Um...whatever I feel like typing. You may get bored and the cool thing is you can just stop reading!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Not just a man...the King!

I was reading my husbands blog tonight and decided I'd join in! Today is Good Friday. It's hard to reflect on the actual event today with a tired, pregnant body and two beautiful babies...but I want to.
I have prayed many times today, read awesome reminders on facebook status', and asked God to help make "real" the Cross and Christ's death on it. I mean, I grew up in the church and certainly have been there before. When I'm singing and mourning over what I did to Christ on that Cross...but also that feeling of His love. The love that it took to stay up there knowing the immaturity of my life and sins helped put him up there in the first place.
BUT...I haven't remembered the way I want to. Not in a long time, anyway. I catch myself thinking and yes, even SAYING, "when we have more money" or "when we get our own house" and it's truly B.S. I don't want it to be, because it's my excuse not to change. It's my pity and I wish it were true most of the time. I wish I could believe that when we have more money or our own home, I'd be a better Christian b/c I'd have space to create or be organized for the kids, have a nice kitchen to make good meals in.
But I keep hearing God tell me, "no. You need to remember now." I HATE hearing that! "No, I promise...just give it to me and I'll be so much better and happier and my family will be too!" Then he again says, "Remember now." In a nutshell, that is.
I feel like he's got an answer for my every excuse...they are good but they kind of stink.
As I have been stretched and God has helped me to "come into my own" I've realized that if I ask God to show me, or help me...He WILL! I do not have to make sure I pray about it every day, or have high expectations for myself in order for God to answer me. I just have the desire, pray about it randomly when I remember and then just continue to live my life.
I've realized that some things I want that are good, Godly desires are just too big to worry about. I have to just trust God to show it to me. To open my heart to it and teach me a lesson or two ;)
So I have been praying about this for awhile now. That God would help me to really know what Christ dieing on the cross for me is. Not just hearing a preacher tell me, but to make it alive in my soul! And...HE WILL! He wants that for me, and He knows that I want that for myself.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Life has changed some since September :)

I am really not sure where to start. I guess I will start with ME! (the first shall become last and the last first...i know!) ha!
Breena Ra'cee Holt...finding out more and more of who I am. I look back 5 years + ago and I feel sad. I mean...I was a fun girl who loved to be around people...but I had NO idea who I was, or what I really wanted to be. Now, I am 24 years old, a wife and a mother and coming to grips with how quickly life goes by. I am learning how to take initiative in simple daily things...in my desires I know are given by God (talents he has blessed me with) and it's been so freeing!
I am not there yet. I want to just pick up a paintbrush and believe I can do it! I want to see my life 5 years down the road working in my own flower shop and loving every minute of it. How am I getting there? Healing. God's bringing healing to my life so I can live it out more like He wants for me...and not what others want for me. In that way, I am limited...by hearing God's desires for me...it seems as though I have so many wonderful things to accomplish!
Example. Pleasing others and being who they want me to be is so stressful and allows me to feel discouraged far too often. When I let myself set boundaries and follow them, I am way more happy to help others out. When I do not let people around me control me (It's me thinking/letting them...they really aren't) that's when I dig my heals in the ground and rebel. Hmmm? After realizing this...I took baby steps in telling people "no". Not in a rude, or mean way. But in a way that says, "I can't let you control me, or I need to be honest with how that made me feel." It's been amazing!
I also realized how important the stages Cyrus is going through, are. He's wanting to make his own choices and I used to not let him. I figured, if I did it...it'd get done my way...the RIGHT way. Yeah...not successful at all. I am starting to look at little choices throughout the day that he can make, without it being harmful to anyone. WOW! What a difference.
Seems silly, but since I have let him do more...he's wanting to do more. He wants to be the one to take off his jacket...to put in on. If he wants his jacket on at lunch...I let him. It's not hurting anyone. He just put a pair of underwear on a pare he already had on (super funny) but he did it all on his own! He's really turning into a little boy (as apposed to my baby boy) and it's amazing and sad to watch...all in one :)
More on Cyrus Nathan...He's potty trained...AGAIN! He's talking so much now and I am loving to watch him as he struggles to find the words to speak. He's always trying to say things the "right" way. The baby talk is fading...He knows what he loves, and what he doesn't. HE loves to be outside, play basketball, catch, drums...of course! He doesn't like vegetables or fruit, or being told "no". He's not a fan of Eisley when she's being too loud or when I am getting or putting away a pan. But he's my boy and I LOVE him!
His drumming has been improving by leaps and bounds. I mean, he doesn't have any lessons under his belt, but still amazes me when he makes up a new beat...and he likes to act like the other drummers he sees on T.V. or YouTube. What an amazing talent we can truly say comes from God!
Eisley Bree...LOVES TO EAT! If she's not the last one to finish her food, you better be prepared to share whatever you have left. I mean that with everything I have! She's rotten when she sees food that is not hers. She'll do anything in her power to make it hers. She's like that with everything, really. When I block off the kitchen with many chairs...she still seems to find a way to crawl up and over and through it!
Eisley loves to eat, drink, smile and laugh at Cyrus, she loves her family...especially me. Always wants momma. She loves her "minky" (blanky) and sleeps very well when she has it. She loves to crawl up the stairs and cry when it's time to crawl down, she loves watching Cyrus' every move. She loves to get into my purse...I'll be right back! (she's in it now)
Eisley hates to be told "no" especially when it comes to food :) She hates when we let go of her hands when she's walking, and she hates when I leave her in nursery(but quickly gets over it and has fun!) I am still getting to know her more as she grows and excited to be apart of it!
My husband...our marriage :) We've been married for 3.5 years and counting!!! Two babies, a few places we've lived, no house of our own yet, and always unsure of the future...but WE ARE BLESSED! He comes home and I am glad (usually for a little relief from the kids...but also to see him). Our children are healthy and happy. Andy and I are able to share our hearts and dreams to each other and we know it's safe. I know so many couples are unable to do that...and I just pray we have that forever!
We are hoping to wait to have a child until at least next year sometime...we'd like to enjoy our life as it is...get in a place where we know we are to be (a house of our own, spiritually, Our dreams being pursued more, etc.) and allow God to move us in these areas. Grow! Oh, and enjoy being able to sleep through the night!
I know this is all over the place...I haven't even begun to tell you everything...but it's been way too long, and I hope to do this more often in a more "focused" setting.
Until tomorrow...hopefully!
BreeRa'cee!