Not just a man...the King!

I was reading my husbands blog tonight and decided I'd join in! Today is Good Friday. It's hard to reflect on the actual event today with a tired, pregnant body and two beautiful babies...but I want to.
I have prayed many times today, read awesome reminders on facebook status', and asked God to help make "real" the Cross and Christ's death on it. I mean, I grew up in the church and certainly have been there before. When I'm singing and mourning over what I did to Christ on that Cross...but also that feeling of His love. The love that it took to stay up there knowing the immaturity of my life and sins helped put him up there in the first place.
BUT...I haven't remembered the way I want to. Not in a long time, anyway. I catch myself thinking and yes, even SAYING, "when we have more money" or "when we get our own house" and it's truly B.S. I don't want it to be, because it's my excuse not to change. It's my pity and I wish it were true most of the time. I wish I could believe that when we have more money or our own home, I'd be a better Christian b/c I'd have space to create or be organized for the kids, have a nice kitchen to make good meals in.
But I keep hearing God tell me, "no. You need to remember now." I HATE hearing that! "No, I promise...just give it to me and I'll be so much better and happier and my family will be too!" Then he again says, "Remember now." In a nutshell, that is.
I feel like he's got an answer for my every excuse...they are good but they kind of stink.
As I have been stretched and God has helped me to "come into my own" I've realized that if I ask God to show me, or help me...He WILL! I do not have to make sure I pray about it every day, or have high expectations for myself in order for God to answer me. I just have the desire, pray about it randomly when I remember and then just continue to live my life.
I've realized that some things I want that are good, Godly desires are just too big to worry about. I have to just trust God to show it to me. To open my heart to it and teach me a lesson or two ;)
So I have been praying about this for awhile now. That God would help me to really know what Christ dieing on the cross for me is. Not just hearing a preacher tell me, but to make it alive in my soul! And...HE WILL! He wants that for me, and He knows that I want that for myself.