Not just a man...the King!

I was reading my husbands blog tonight and decided I'd join in! Today is Good Friday. It's hard to reflect on the actual event today with a tired, pregnant body and two beautiful babies...but I want to.
I have prayed many times today, read awesome reminders on facebook status', and asked God to help make "real" the Cross and Christ's death on it. I mean, I grew up in the church and certainly have been there before. When I'm singing and mourning over what I did to Christ on that Cross...but also that feeling of His love. The love that it took to stay up there knowing the immaturity of my life and sins helped put him up there in the first place.
BUT...I haven't remembered the way I want to. Not in a long time, anyway. I catch myself thinking and yes, even SAYING, "when we have more money" or "when we get our own house" and it's truly B.S. I don't want it to be, because it's my excuse not to change. It's my pity and I wish it were true most of the time. I wish I could believe that when we have more money or our own home, I'd be a better Christian b/c I'd have space to create or be organized for the kids, have a nice kitchen to make good meals in.
But I keep hearing God tell me, "no. You need to remember now." I HATE hearing that! "No, I promise...just give it to me and I'll be so much better and happier and my family will be too!" Then he again says, "Remember now." In a nutshell, that is.
I feel like he's got an answer for my every excuse...they are good but they kind of stink.
As I have been stretched and God has helped me to "come into my own" I've realized that if I ask God to show me, or help me...He WILL! I do not have to make sure I pray about it every day, or have high expectations for myself in order for God to answer me. I just have the desire, pray about it randomly when I remember and then just continue to live my life.
I've realized that some things I want that are good, Godly desires are just too big to worry about. I have to just trust God to show it to me. To open my heart to it and teach me a lesson or two ;)
So I have been praying about this for awhile now. That God would help me to really know what Christ dieing on the cross for me is. Not just hearing a preacher tell me, but to make it alive in my soul! And...HE WILL! He wants that for me, and He knows that I want that for myself.

Life has changed some since September :)

I am really not sure where to start. I guess I will start with ME! (the first shall become last and the last first...i know!) ha!
Breena Ra'cee Holt...finding out more and more of who I am. I look back 5 years + ago and I feel sad. I mean...I was a fun girl who loved to be around people...but I had NO idea who I was, or what I really wanted to be. Now, I am 24 years old, a wife and a mother and coming to grips with how quickly life goes by. I am learning how to take initiative in simple daily things...in my desires I know are given by God (talents he has blessed me with) and it's been so freeing!
I am not there yet. I want to just pick up a paintbrush and believe I can do it! I want to see my life 5 years down the road working in my own flower shop and loving every minute of it. How am I getting there? Healing. God's bringing healing to my life so I can live it out more like He wants for me...and not what others want for me. In that way, I am limited...by hearing God's desires for me...it seems as though I have so many wonderful things to accomplish!
Example. Pleasing others and being who they want me to be is so stressful and allows me to feel discouraged far too often. When I let myself set boundaries and follow them, I am way more happy to help others out. When I do not let people around me control me (It's me thinking/letting them...they really aren't) that's when I dig my heals in the ground and rebel. Hmmm? After realizing this...I took baby steps in telling people "no". Not in a rude, or mean way. But in a way that says, "I can't let you control me, or I need to be honest with how that made me feel." It's been amazing!
I also realized how important the stages Cyrus is going through, are. He's wanting to make his own choices and I used to not let him. I figured, if I did it...it'd get done my way...the RIGHT way. Yeah...not successful at all. I am starting to look at little choices throughout the day that he can make, without it being harmful to anyone. WOW! What a difference.
Seems silly, but since I have let him do more...he's wanting to do more. He wants to be the one to take off his jacket...to put in on. If he wants his jacket on at lunch...I let him. It's not hurting anyone. He just put a pair of underwear on a pare he already had on (super funny) but he did it all on his own! He's really turning into a little boy (as apposed to my baby boy) and it's amazing and sad to watch...all in one :)
More on Cyrus Nathan...He's potty trained...AGAIN! He's talking so much now and I am loving to watch him as he struggles to find the words to speak. He's always trying to say things the "right" way. The baby talk is fading...He knows what he loves, and what he doesn't. HE loves to be outside, play basketball, catch, drums...of course! He doesn't like vegetables or fruit, or being told "no". He's not a fan of Eisley when she's being too loud or when I am getting or putting away a pan. But he's my boy and I LOVE him!
His drumming has been improving by leaps and bounds. I mean, he doesn't have any lessons under his belt, but still amazes me when he makes up a new beat...and he likes to act like the other drummers he sees on T.V. or YouTube. What an amazing talent we can truly say comes from God!
Eisley Bree...LOVES TO EAT! If she's not the last one to finish her food, you better be prepared to share whatever you have left. I mean that with everything I have! She's rotten when she sees food that is not hers. She'll do anything in her power to make it hers. She's like that with everything, really. When I block off the kitchen with many chairs...she still seems to find a way to crawl up and over and through it!
Eisley loves to eat, drink, smile and laugh at Cyrus, she loves her family...especially me. Always wants momma. She loves her "minky" (blanky) and sleeps very well when she has it. She loves to crawl up the stairs and cry when it's time to crawl down, she loves watching Cyrus' every move. She loves to get into my purse...I'll be right back! (she's in it now)
Eisley hates to be told "no" especially when it comes to food :) She hates when we let go of her hands when she's walking, and she hates when I leave her in nursery(but quickly gets over it and has fun!) I am still getting to know her more as she grows and excited to be apart of it!
My husband...our marriage :) We've been married for 3.5 years and counting!!! Two babies, a few places we've lived, no house of our own yet, and always unsure of the future...but WE ARE BLESSED! He comes home and I am glad (usually for a little relief from the kids...but also to see him). Our children are healthy and happy. Andy and I are able to share our hearts and dreams to each other and we know it's safe. I know so many couples are unable to do that...and I just pray we have that forever!
We are hoping to wait to have a child until at least next year sometime...we'd like to enjoy our life as it is...get in a place where we know we are to be (a house of our own, spiritually, Our dreams being pursued more, etc.) and allow God to move us in these areas. Grow! Oh, and enjoy being able to sleep through the night!
I know this is all over the place...I haven't even begun to tell you everything...but it's been way too long, and I hope to do this more often in a more "focused" setting.
Until tomorrow...hopefully!
BreeRa'cee!

A life-long journey that am honored to say I am on!

I am a child of Gods, a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend...etc. and I want to excel in all of these areas. God is working in my life each day to allow these relationships to become more like the way they are supposed to be in His eyes and I am thankful for that. God is working in my heart to heal the brokenness, to peal away the hardness of heart and slowly turn it back into a heart of flesh. This process is difficult and it hurts but I look at who I was before the journey and compare it to who God really desires for me to be and I would not turn back for anything. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I don't want to be naive, insincere in my relationships, judgmental, lacking love for other people...the list could go on and on. So I will continue to press into God and know He will give me Grace and love me through every ounce of pain I feel.
This journey I am on had brought a few pleasant surprises to Andy. One is that I am more aware of my constant sarcasm towards him and when I am on a "sarcasm roll" (which I am really good at :sigh:) I can catch myself and say, "man! Did I really just say that? I am such a brat!" and then I start laughing at my ridiculous brattiness and how rude I must be...we now have a code word for when I am acting like that. Just in case my perfection slacks and I forget ;)
Another thing I did the other day is ask Andy how I can show him I loved him. I love him so much and I know it...but I don't always show it the way he'd like me to. He was taken back (this is something I am completely ashamed of not doing more) and didn't know how to respond. So I went ahead and did my best to show him in a way he would appreciate. I stopped allowing the kids to rule my world and tried cleaning as much as possible. It was nice to see him come home relaxed because Cy's toys weren't upstairs, and Eisley's diaper stuff and clothes were not all over. Oh man do I have to work on not letting the kids take complete control...not good for anyone!...it doesn't help that I am not the cleanest or most organized person in the world ;)
God has blessed me with Andy to a point of "Are you sure God? Cause I really don't deserve him!" I know I say this a lot when I write out my feelings but it's true. He's amazing and my very best friend. I tell him everything. He tells me his struggles and feelings. We talk about theology...which gets less heated as God continues to define true grace in my life. I love him and always will!!!!
I am so thankful to be a mom. It is so hard but so rewarding! I love to say that I have two beautiful children with Andy and I will love them for eternity. They are so special to me and I pray someday I can witness their prayer as they ask Christ into their hearts and live it out. But for now, I have to be the best parent I can be.
It's hard to love Cyrus when he's being strong-willed ALL DAY LONG!...day in, day out! It's hard to love Eisley when she wakes up 3 hours after I fall asleep for no reason. I have been reading the bible in the mornings to them during breakfast and praying for God to fill me with the Spirit so I can be loving when I so want to be mean and controlling. God has been good to me and to the kids and has shown me that He really does hear my prayers. Andy and I are desperate for help with Cyrus so we are starting to read a book called "Love and Logic". I will let you know how that goes;)
On the good said, Cyrus is very funny. The other day he had me and Andy cracking up. Andy was reading the bible (John 4) before bed and Andy read something about the "salvation of the Jews" and Cyrus says, "I want juice!" Then Andy went on about the "Living water" and he wanted water. We were cracking up. So Andy had to skip the Jew part and say "aqua" instead of water.
Cyrus plays, "Shot to the heart! and you're to blame! You give love a bad name" and sometimes, "a bad bad name" if he's singing the Blake Lewis version. Click here to see a recent video 2-year-old on the drums from Andy Holt on Vimeo.
Eisley has this contagious laugh. It's so funny and real. If I think somethings funny, I laugh as loud as my insides want to...and I think she does the same. She cracks up at Cyrus. Sometimes when we put them to bed, she picks her head up to see if she can see Cyrus and then she laughs while they play peek a boo. Eventually one of them gets sick of it and falls asleep. She gives kisses now and fists cheerios in her mouth. Just look at the little pudg, she's not starving! I can't wait to get to know her personality more as she grows!
That's it for now!

Letting God speak to me in the 4 a.m. silence

I was up in bed and had no symptoms of falling back to sleep, so I decided to go downstairs and read the Bible. I felt like God wanted some time alone with me...and I know I need it with Him. I try to go about my day on my own terms, with my own strength and I fail too often. It's just not working out, so I pray that God is my first priority in the mornings for the sake of my family!
I read Psalm 31 and it seemed to hit home...it seemed to be my cry to God. It's pretty intense and I can't say that I am persecuted the same way that David was...but sometimes I feel that way. In my mind I make up reasons why I don't have close friends here in Columbus. I give a million reasons as to why people just don't like me. Why bother calling them anymore when I am constantly let down. I feel empty after all the efforts I give, I feel "not good enough". I can't say a whole lot of effort has been given lately because I am afraid that maybe I am just a burden. I refuse to try anymore because I am not sure I can take any more rejection.
Andy and I have an amazing relationship. I cry to him as my life gets healed and he listens and helps me through it with wisdom and prayer. Last night I broke down (yet once again) and told him basically what I said in the above paragraph about lack of friends...this has been something going on for quite some time now but Andy opened my eyes and brought some things to my attention.
Those thoughts in my head are straight from Hell. Satan is using those lies to keep me from having any relationship with others because it's keeping me from opening up. For the most part I have put up a wall without even knowing it and I think it may be giving a negative vibe which could not be more UNintentional. You may be reading this thinking, "not sure I understand where you are coming from...you seem pretty honest on here". Well I have come a long way. I need to work on it or who God has made me to be is going to shrivel up like a prune and die.
God wants me to love people. He loves them and God has called us to do the same. With the lies that I have in my head, I tend to make up my own story for people I come in contact with...mostly at church. Stories that give me the freedom to not have to waist my time with them or get to know them because, "they have already judged me and I am not willing to let THEM hurt ME!"...typing this out kinda makes me sick because it's so true.
God is working in me specifically to love people and forget about the fears that may come along with that. Fears of rejection, fears of loss, fears of being hurt. He will take care of me during those times but to reap the benefits, I have to lose the lies and forget the fears. Not prejudge people and their motives. These are things that are keeping me from one of the beautiful things God has blessed us with here on earth...friendships through fellowship.
How can I love you better? Well, I know that I need to love God first. He needs to be my number one. It's a step that I can take through reading Gods word, praying and listening to His still, small voice.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.

Friday Aug. 29th was a "no good" (okay a LITTLE good) "very bad day"...like the childrens book....

Andy and I wake up early to Cyrus and Eisley playing in their room...it was around 7:30 I believe, so not too bad. Cyrus kept his bed dry so that is always SUPER exciting and makes me feel a sense of accomplishment.
It's time to get the kids ready because I decided to check out CCAD (an Art college here in Columbus) to ask questions and see if going back to school is even something remotely possible. I really want to get a degree in fashion design. I always have but now is a time in my life that I am so ready (at least emotionally) and pray that it happens...somehow, some way. I will continue making steps to make this dream happen until God closes a door...either way, I will design clothes...I love it too much not to!
So Andy drops me off and he stays with the kids...I think he just stayed in the car with them (not sure why...but I guess they were pretty good). I go in and meet with two guys. I believe both attended there, but one of them was in training. He was the one that said he went to school while being married, had a kid and three jobs...so he encouraged me that it could happen if I really wanted it to. That was nice to hear.
We talked about making a portfolio of my best art pieces from high school, college and any others I may have done since then...Quality, not Quantity...okay, I think I got it! I am supposed to do sketches of random things...get inspiration from whatever inspires me (which happens a lot when I go to a really cool store...anthropology for example, or look at fashion magazines).
Then I thanked them for their time...got really excited and told Andy in a winy voice, "baby, I really want to go here soooooo bad!" Oh yeah, and I got a free Starbucks coffee at the school's coffee shop for the way home! AWESOMENESS!
So we get in the car and neither Andy or I had time to eat...so he suggested going to Bob Evans and I said, "in celebration of me going back to school?!?!?" hahahahha...so we went. (that's funny because we are not sure if it's going to happen). ***Side note, Andy and I are NOT supposed to be going out to eat...we prayed and have been really good about staying in to eat unless we go with friends (which rarely happens)...it was a 40 day deal...to get control of our spending and our eating habits...we have done really really well!...but have gone out maybe 4 times :(...so listen to what happens...AHHHHHHHH!
We get there and I totally forget that Cyrus already had two waffles that morning. We order our meals including his off of the children's menu. He downs his orange juice and scarfs down his pancakes along wih eggs which he loves!
I smell Eisley had pooped so I take her into the bathroom and realize she has pooped through this new outfit from my aunt for the SECOND TIME! It's a really cute onsie and a little pink polka dot skirt. The skirt was clean so I pulled the skirt over her little ta ta's and make it a VERY short dress...hehehehe...but it looked adorable (even the waitress said she looked so fashionable!...maybe it's a sign? hehehe)
All of a sudden I look over and say, "um Cyrus what's wrong?" He has a mouth full of pancakes and won't chew them...he's just staring and says,' no". I tell Andy that maybe he's trying to poop and to take him to the bathroom.
After a few minutes, Andy calls and says that Cyrus had thrown up everything and to pay the bill and get Eisley ready to go home...Thank God Cyrus didn't get it all over himself...he's too old to be in a really short...um shirt?
So I pay the bill and realize with all the craziness I forget to tip her...I felt sick to my stomach but didn't have cash on me...so I vowed to take money back to her later...that's just not right.
We get the kids packed in the car and it won't start (second time that week it does this). So people are going in and out and not looking in our direction...they had "other things to do" I guess...like go scarf down some pancakes and eggs only to unbutton their pants afterward...or just throw it all up :)...I'm not bitter, I just hope that if I see someone who needs help that I always offer it!
We get AAA to finally come after 45 minutes and he can't start the car (by jumping it). After awhile he calls the toe truck and he comes...can't start it...I take the kids out waiting for a ride and then finally he gets it to start...the battery is testing fine so we weren't sure what was up. I was about to just ball and cry because of everything going on...I just know that when my kids miss their naps too many days in a row, it becomes complete Kayos! (spelled wrong I am sure)! And I was already tired!
Then...we go on our free date that Andy surprised me with to a ballet dance show downtown and our friends Sarah and Rob showed up (the guys had been planning it for us!)...so excited that he did that and so excited to hang out with my friend! Her and I had a hard time watching the guys prance around but the girls were so lovely and very good!
Then a thunderstorm breaks out right above us...we decide to maybe wait it out and then realize we needed to go somewhere else...so we were going to meet at a coffee house. Yeah, well our "good" car was in the shop so we had Andy's Saturn which is a HUGE blessing to us, but is not very reliable...like he NEVER takes it on the express way...
So it starts pouring down rain and people are pulling over until it settles down. Lightning is all around us and then we run right into a wire that must have fallen...thank GOD is was not a live wire!
We go home and our date had ended...it sucked. But the thought was so incredible! But again, that day pretty much was crazy and no good...I guess a little good cause I went to CCAD...okay, so it's two days later and I am very thankful!

3 year anniversary and Potty Training!

As some of you may know...Andrew and I celebrated three years of marriage August 20th 2008. It was one of two of the best anniversaries we've EVER HAD! I really don't remember much at all about last years...could not have been that good (but don' t worry, Andy agrees).
So I talked Andy into taking me to Cedar Point. He's not the biggest fan of roller coasters...not that he's afraid, he just doesn't crave them like I do. On top of that, the summer we were dating or engaged (not sure...it all happened so fast :) ) he took me to cedar point knowing how much I loved it and I blacked out in line because of the heat...so we went home after riding nothing at all!
So we tried it again and had so much fun! We felt so free without the kids (kinda feel guilty saying that) but it's because we never had that time alone the first years to get to know eachother as husband and wife...we would not have it any other way now that our amazing children our in our lives...so anywho...we felt young and in love!
I purchased a funnel cake...Andy hates that kind of food...so I ate half of it (reminding myself the whole thing could def. fit in my tummy, but didn't need to). So we rode the Millenium which made me cuss once on the way up...when I get on a roller coaster and I am up that high...I ask myself, "what the heck am I thinking?"...cause really it's so stinking high! Ya see, to me being up at the top of a roller coaster and being close to 9 months pregnant are very similar. There is only one way to get through it...down and out the birth canal! hehehehe...
So we rode that after the wicked twister and felt a huge rush of excitement...that's Andy's favorite ride. My second favorite...I love the new "mavric"....so fast!
We held hands, we flirted...kissed in line (we didn't make out or anything, but andy would have if I would have let him...hahahahha). We needed this so much and I am so glad we went! We didn't have to call people to see where there were, ask who wanted to do what next...we just took our time and enjoyed ourselves. I am so thankful for that day. I am so thankful for our lives and our marriage (most of the time :) and I am so thankful for Andrew...my groom for ever and ever! I love him so much and I am so proud of who he is...I am proud to stand next to him and will continue to the rest of our lives!
***NEW SUBJECT***May contain bowl movements and wet underwear!...I do not take responsiblity for any connections made with this new segment and the last****

So Cyrus is almost 27 months now and I just needed to start potty training him. For me it was originally planned out but then I stressed about all the planning, and the diapers were almost out and we needed to waist more money on another pack very soon...so I did the unthinkable! I started potty training Cyrus.
It has been VERY difficult. Well at first it was. I call my older sister Mandy all the time for tips and "what to dos" because my nephew Vin has been potty trained for over a month...maybe longer. That also made me want to do it...I hated knowing that she didn't have to deal with "big boy poopy diapers" and I did...hahahaha...and I hate WAISTING money on them.
I guess I can say that yesterday, he went poopy on the potty and did it without starting in some corner...he did it because I said, " okay Cyrus...you have to go poo poo. If you do, I will let you watch the drums"...that means he can watch a drum solo on UTube...he LOVES that. So I left the room and before you know it he comes out with this HUGE grin on his face and makes the noise I make when he goes pee pee on his own. He does this alot andso I feel bad, but I didn't believe him. I always try to go in there without a dissapointed look so that if he DOES go, he will love my reaction and do it again. Soooo...I saw cute little boy terds! I know gross, but I was soooooo happy! I made him go some more and then he got to watch the drums with daddy.
I jumped up and down like a mental person....literally. I just wanted him to know how happy I was (because I was) so he would do it again! I had to tell Andy to make a big deal about it like three times...I was so afraid that if we didn't freak out in excitement...then he would not go again. Ahhhh....such a relief.
He sitll makes accidents but he's come so far along in just 5ish days. If you think of me...pray for me! I have a potty trainee, a 7 month old and a little girl who is 6 months old I watch two days a week...I love being a mom and I know it takes a lot of prayer to be the mom I want and I know God wants me to be...
Until next time!

The kidlings

Cyrus is 2 and loves to say "no"...it's hard sometimes or most of the time because he can be such a stinker. Man this is a hard stage! He's put in time out a lot and throws lots of fits...wherever he wants to. I sometimes catch myself wanting to rush to the next year so that he listens to me better. But then I guess next year will have it's own challenges. I hear all the time, "enjoy this time because it won't last forever" So I try to hold on to that as much as possible!
Even with all the challenges and struggles, I can't stop loving this child. When he's finally asleep Andy and I can't help but talk about how cute, smart and funny he is. I love to get random hugs and kisses from him. I love to watch him laugh when he's really tired and EVERYTHING is funny. I love watching him love on Eisley. He's a silly boy with a big heart! He just wants independence and the best thing I can do is just love on him through it alll...good and the bad.
Eisley is 6 months yesterday and is all girl! She is a screamer and gets extra high when she's upset. Cyrus never did this...he was so laid back...so it's fun to compare their personalities already! Eisley loves to grab at Cy's hair when he gets close...it's so funny to see Cyrus' face. I just say, "she's getting you" so he laughs instead of letting her have it! Eisley has been sleeping 12 hours a night with 3 naps a day...well we thought it would be a good idea to put her in with Cyrus since she was doing so well. That's when Eisley's second tooth decided to give her a really hard time. For over a week she has been snotty, fussy, cranky and not getting enough sleep because of it. So it was bad timing and I am just trying to push through it because I know it will get better soon. It's not always going to be like this.
Eisley still gives the sweetest smile I've seen in a baby girl. I will again say that it makes her eyes sparkle when she smiles...it's like a real genuine smile straight from the heart! It makes me and Andy just melt when she does it! She's sitting up and has been saying "momma" for awhile now. First word thank you very much!
I am so thankful for my two children and the joy they bring in my life. I pray that someday they will say a prayer to ask Jesus into their lives and then show a life of Christ's love to share with whoever they meet.