My first blog...oh man!

Okay. So my husband has been a "blog nerd" lately and I am kinda jealous. So I am going to probably turn into one as well.
Tonight at church I felt God really speaking to me. Maybe I could say grace was well defined. For so many years now, the definition of grace has been drilled into my little brain. But over the past few years, God has used mostly my husband to break into that. It has been redefined in a way that makes it so much more than just the group of words that make a sentence...I have had to push that aside and allow myself to actually feel it. To reveal it as a verb. Obviously the Holy Spirit has had It's part in that revelation.
It's not that grace was never there...it has been since I was pushed through the birth canal...I know. Gross. But now I am learning to pull it out of the box and allow it to take a unique shape in MY own life. For I am an individual who is "fearfully and wonderfully made" and precious in my Savior's eyes.
Anyway. One thing that really hit home tonight was how so many "christians" draw a line on who and what a "chiristian" looks like. If an individual claims to be a "christian" then they have to worship the way I do, be involved the way I am and for goodness sakes dress the way I am! But the real line. The true line. The line that matters is Christ. Who is he in my heart and in theres? Love! Love! Love!
I have for so long judged other "christians" who weren't as "spiritual" as I was (at the time I thought this way) and would say, "well they may call themselves Christians...but I am not sure if they really are". Like even typing that makes me sick!
First of all..last time I checked, I am NOT God. I can't see what the hearts motive is (even though I feel like I sooo can!) and until I get to know that person and their story, until I have loved them, I have no right making up my own story for them.
Secondly, I raised the bar so high for Christians in my life that I couldn't even stop and ask myself if I was able to reach it. And I know now...after being taken away from all I knew, all that was normal and comfortable my whole life, that I wasn't able to reach it myself.
I am still trying to apply that to my life daily. I am still trying to figure out who I am as an individual and as a woman of Christ. It's hard. I want to be accepted and liked by others, but I am so sick of trying so hard. I want to be able to relax and act like a dork. Say random things and not worry so much if I am going to offend someone...is that bad? Hahaha...I want to be aware of others but balance that out by still being Breena.
Right now I struggle with being myself. It was easy when I had my friends that I have known since kindergarden at my side at all times...they know me. I know them. They were/are my security blanket. But I am "growing up" and ya know what that means. Blankey isn't always there anymore. And now I have to learn who I am without it. And again. It's hard! But good. I think I am being set free to find out who I am in Christ. Figure out what my calling is. How God is going to use me to further His kingdom. Take time to do the things I love. Enjoy my family and the kids while they are young and I can put them in the corner when they are bad. hehehee.
Ok...I am done. Tired and I will write more another time.