I am a child of Gods, a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend...etc. and I want to excel in all of these areas. God is working in my life each day to allow these relationships to become more like the way they are supposed to be in His eyes and I am thankful for that. God is working in my heart to heal the brokenness, to peal away the hardness of heart and slowly turn it back into a heart of flesh. This process is difficult and it hurts but I look at who I was before the journey and compare it to who God really desires for me to be and I would not turn back for anything. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I don't want to be naive, insincere in my relationships, judgmental, lacking love for other people...the list could go on and on. So I will continue to press into God and know He will give me Grace and love me through every ounce of pain I feel.
This journey I am on had brought a few pleasant surprises to Andy. One is that I am more aware of my constant sarcasm towards him and when I am on a "sarcasm roll" (which I am really good at :sigh:) I can catch myself and say, "man! Did I really just say that? I am such a brat!" and then I start laughing at my ridiculous brattiness and how rude I must be...we now have a code word for when I am acting like that. Just in case my perfection slacks and I forget ;)
Another thing I did the other day is ask Andy how I can show him I loved him. I love him so much and I know it...but I don't always show it the way he'd like me to. He was taken back (this is something I am completely ashamed of not doing more) and didn't know how to respond. So I went ahead and did my best to show him in a way he would appreciate. I stopped allowing the kids to rule my world and tried cleaning as much as possible. It was nice to see him come home relaxed because Cy's toys weren't upstairs, and Eisley's diaper stuff and clothes were not all over. Oh man do I have to work on not letting the kids take complete control...not good for anyone!...it doesn't help that I am not the cleanest or most organized person in the world ;)
God has blessed me with Andy to a point of "Are you sure God? Cause I really don't deserve him!" I know I say this a lot when I write out my feelings but it's true. He's amazing and my very best friend. I tell him everything. He tells me his struggles and feelings. We talk about theology...which gets less heated as God continues to define true grace in my life. I love him and always will!!!!
I am so thankful to be a mom. It is so hard but so rewarding! I love to say that I have two beautiful children with Andy and I will love them for eternity. They are so special to me and I pray someday I can witness their prayer as they ask Christ into their hearts and live it out. But for now, I have to be the best parent I can be.
It's hard to love Cyrus when he's being strong-willed ALL DAY LONG!...day in, day out! It's hard to love Eisley when she wakes up 3 hours after I fall asleep for no reason. I have been reading the bible in the mornings to them during breakfast and praying for God to fill me with the Spirit so I can be loving when I so want to be mean and controlling. God has been good to me and to the kids and has shown me that He really does hear my prayers. Andy and I are desperate for help with Cyrus so we are starting to read a book called "Love and Logic". I will let you know how that goes;)
On the good said, Cyrus is very funny. The other day he had me and Andy cracking up. Andy was reading the bible (John 4) before bed and Andy read something about the "salvation of the Jews" and Cyrus says, "I want juice!" Then Andy went on about the "Living water" and he wanted water. We were cracking up. So Andy had to skip the Jew part and say "aqua" instead of water.
Cyrus plays, "Shot to the heart! and you're to blame! You give love a bad name" and sometimes, "a bad bad name" if he's singing the Blake Lewis version. Click here to see a recent video 2-year-old on the drums from Andy Holt on Vimeo.
Eisley has this contagious laugh. It's so funny and real. If I think somethings funny, I laugh as loud as my insides want to...and I think she does the same. She cracks up at Cyrus. Sometimes when we put them to bed, she picks her head up to see if she can see Cyrus and then she laughs while they play peek a boo. Eventually one of them gets sick of it and falls asleep. She gives kisses now and fists cheerios in her mouth. Just look at the little pudg, she's not starving! I can't wait to get to know her personality more as she grows!
That's it for now!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Letting God speak to me in the 4 a.m. silence
I was up in bed and had no symptoms of falling back to sleep, so I decided to go downstairs and read the Bible. I felt like God wanted some time alone with me...and I know I need it with Him. I try to go about my day on my own terms, with my own strength and I fail too often. It's just not working out, so I pray that God is my first priority in the mornings for the sake of my family!
I read Psalm 31 and it seemed to hit home...it seemed to be my cry to God. It's pretty intense and I can't say that I am persecuted the same way that David was...but sometimes I feel that way. In my mind I make up reasons why I don't have close friends here in Columbus. I give a million reasons as to why people just don't like me. Why bother calling them anymore when I am constantly let down. I feel empty after all the efforts I give, I feel "not good enough". I can't say a whole lot of effort has been given lately because I am afraid that maybe I am just a burden. I refuse to try anymore because I am not sure I can take any more rejection.
Andy and I have an amazing relationship. I cry to him as my life gets healed and he listens and helps me through it with wisdom and prayer. Last night I broke down (yet once again) and told him basically what I said in the above paragraph about lack of friends...this has been something going on for quite some time now but Andy opened my eyes and brought some things to my attention.
Those thoughts in my head are straight from Hell. Satan is using those lies to keep me from having any relationship with others because it's keeping me from opening up. For the most part I have put up a wall without even knowing it and I think it may be giving a negative vibe which could not be more UNintentional. You may be reading this thinking, "not sure I understand where you are coming from...you seem pretty honest on here". Well I have come a long way. I need to work on it or who God has made me to be is going to shrivel up like a prune and die.
God wants me to love people. He loves them and God has called us to do the same. With the lies that I have in my head, I tend to make up my own story for people I come in contact with...mostly at church. Stories that give me the freedom to not have to waist my time with them or get to know them because, "they have already judged me and I am not willing to let THEM hurt ME!"...typing this out kinda makes me sick because it's so true.
God is working in me specifically to love people and forget about the fears that may come along with that. Fears of rejection, fears of loss, fears of being hurt. He will take care of me during those times but to reap the benefits, I have to lose the lies and forget the fears. Not prejudge people and their motives. These are things that are keeping me from one of the beautiful things God has blessed us with here on earth...friendships through fellowship.
How can I love you better? Well, I know that I need to love God first. He needs to be my number one. It's a step that I can take through reading Gods word, praying and listening to His still, small voice.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
I read Psalm 31 and it seemed to hit home...it seemed to be my cry to God. It's pretty intense and I can't say that I am persecuted the same way that David was...but sometimes I feel that way. In my mind I make up reasons why I don't have close friends here in Columbus. I give a million reasons as to why people just don't like me. Why bother calling them anymore when I am constantly let down. I feel empty after all the efforts I give, I feel "not good enough". I can't say a whole lot of effort has been given lately because I am afraid that maybe I am just a burden. I refuse to try anymore because I am not sure I can take any more rejection.
Andy and I have an amazing relationship. I cry to him as my life gets healed and he listens and helps me through it with wisdom and prayer. Last night I broke down (yet once again) and told him basically what I said in the above paragraph about lack of friends...this has been something going on for quite some time now but Andy opened my eyes and brought some things to my attention.
Those thoughts in my head are straight from Hell. Satan is using those lies to keep me from having any relationship with others because it's keeping me from opening up. For the most part I have put up a wall without even knowing it and I think it may be giving a negative vibe which could not be more UNintentional. You may be reading this thinking, "not sure I understand where you are coming from...you seem pretty honest on here". Well I have come a long way. I need to work on it or who God has made me to be is going to shrivel up like a prune and die.
God wants me to love people. He loves them and God has called us to do the same. With the lies that I have in my head, I tend to make up my own story for people I come in contact with...mostly at church. Stories that give me the freedom to not have to waist my time with them or get to know them because, "they have already judged me and I am not willing to let THEM hurt ME!"...typing this out kinda makes me sick because it's so true.
God is working in me specifically to love people and forget about the fears that may come along with that. Fears of rejection, fears of loss, fears of being hurt. He will take care of me during those times but to reap the benefits, I have to lose the lies and forget the fears. Not prejudge people and their motives. These are things that are keeping me from one of the beautiful things God has blessed us with here on earth...friendships through fellowship.
How can I love you better? Well, I know that I need to love God first. He needs to be my number one. It's a step that I can take through reading Gods word, praying and listening to His still, small voice.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
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