I am a child of Gods, a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend...etc. and I want to excel in all of these areas. God is working in my life each day to allow these relationships to become more like the way they are supposed to be in His eyes and I am thankful for that. God is working in my heart to heal the brokenness, to peal away the hardness of heart and slowly turn it back into a heart of flesh. This process is difficult and it hurts but I look at who I was before the journey and compare it to who God really desires for me to be and I would not turn back for anything. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I don't want to be naive, insincere in my relationships, judgmental, lacking love for other people...the list could go on and on. So I will continue to press into God and know He will give me Grace and love me through every ounce of pain I feel.
This journey I am on had brought a few pleasant surprises to Andy. One is that I am more aware of my constant sarcasm towards him and when I am on a "sarcasm roll" (which I am really good at :sigh:) I can catch myself and say, "man! Did I really just say that? I am such a brat!" and then I start laughing at my ridiculous brattiness and how rude I must be...we now have a code word for when I am acting like that. Just in case my perfection slacks and I forget ;)
Another thing I did the other day is ask Andy how I can show him I loved him. I love him so much and I know it...but I don't always show it the way he'd like me to. He was taken back (this is something I am completely ashamed of not doing more) and didn't know how to respond. So I went ahead and did my best to show him in a way he would appreciate. I stopped allowing the kids to rule my world and tried cleaning as much as possible. It was nice to see him come home relaxed because Cy's toys weren't upstairs, and Eisley's diaper stuff and clothes were not all over. Oh man do I have to work on not letting the kids take complete control...not good for anyone!...it doesn't help that I am not the cleanest or most organized person in the world ;)
God has blessed me with Andy to a point of "Are you sure God? Cause I really don't deserve him!" I know I say this a lot when I write out my feelings but it's true. He's amazing and my very best friend. I tell him everything. He tells me his struggles and feelings. We talk about theology...which gets less heated as God continues to define true grace in my life. I love him and always will!!!!
I am so thankful to be a mom. It is so hard but so rewarding! I love to say that I have two beautiful children with Andy and I will love them for eternity. They are so special to me and I pray someday I can witness their prayer as they ask Christ into their hearts and live it out. But for now, I have to be the best parent I can be.
It's hard to love Cyrus when he's being strong-willed ALL DAY LONG!...day in, day out! It's hard to love Eisley when she wakes up 3 hours after I fall asleep for no reason. I have been reading the bible in the mornings to them during breakfast and praying for God to fill me with the Spirit so I can be loving when I so want to be mean and controlling. God has been good to me and to the kids and has shown me that He really does hear my prayers. Andy and I are desperate for help with Cyrus so we are starting to read a book called "Love and Logic". I will let you know how that goes;)
On the good said, Cyrus is very funny. The other day he had me and Andy cracking up. Andy was reading the bible (John 4) before bed and Andy read something about the "salvation of the Jews" and Cyrus says, "I want juice!" Then Andy went on about the "Living water" and he wanted water. We were cracking up. So Andy had to skip the Jew part and say "aqua" instead of water.
Cyrus plays, "Shot to the heart! and you're to blame! You give love a bad name" and sometimes, "a bad bad name" if he's singing the Blake Lewis version. Click here to see a recent video 2-year-old on the drums from Andy Holt on Vimeo.
Eisley has this contagious laugh. It's so funny and real. If I think somethings funny, I laugh as loud as my insides want to...and I think she does the same. She cracks up at Cyrus. Sometimes when we put them to bed, she picks her head up to see if she can see Cyrus and then she laughs while they play peek a boo. Eventually one of them gets sick of it and falls asleep. She gives kisses now and fists cheerios in her mouth. Just look at the little pudg, she's not starving! I can't wait to get to know her personality more as she grows!
That's it for now!
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