I was up in bed and had no symptoms of falling back to sleep, so I decided to go downstairs and read the Bible. I felt like God wanted some time alone with me...and I know I need it with Him. I try to go about my day on my own terms, with my own strength and I fail too often. It's just not working out, so I pray that God is my first priority in the mornings for the sake of my family!
I read Psalm 31 and it seemed to hit home...it seemed to be my cry to God. It's pretty intense and I can't say that I am persecuted the same way that David was...but sometimes I feel that way. In my mind I make up reasons why I don't have close friends here in Columbus. I give a million reasons as to why people just don't like me. Why bother calling them anymore when I am constantly let down. I feel empty after all the efforts I give, I feel "not good enough". I can't say a whole lot of effort has been given lately because I am afraid that maybe I am just a burden. I refuse to try anymore because I am not sure I can take any more rejection.
Andy and I have an amazing relationship. I cry to him as my life gets healed and he listens and helps me through it with wisdom and prayer. Last night I broke down (yet once again) and told him basically what I said in the above paragraph about lack of friends...this has been something going on for quite some time now but Andy opened my eyes and brought some things to my attention.
Those thoughts in my head are straight from Hell. Satan is using those lies to keep me from having any relationship with others because it's keeping me from opening up. For the most part I have put up a wall without even knowing it and I think it may be giving a negative vibe which could not be more UNintentional. You may be reading this thinking, "not sure I understand where you are coming from...you seem pretty honest on here". Well I have come a long way. I need to work on it or who God has made me to be is going to shrivel up like a prune and die.
God wants me to love people. He loves them and God has called us to do the same. With the lies that I have in my head, I tend to make up my own story for people I come in contact with...mostly at church. Stories that give me the freedom to not have to waist my time with them or get to know them because, "they have already judged me and I am not willing to let THEM hurt ME!"...typing this out kinda makes me sick because it's so true.
God is working in me specifically to love people and forget about the fears that may come along with that. Fears of rejection, fears of loss, fears of being hurt. He will take care of me during those times but to reap the benefits, I have to lose the lies and forget the fears. Not prejudge people and their motives. These are things that are keeping me from one of the beautiful things God has blessed us with here on earth...friendships through fellowship.
How can I love you better? Well, I know that I need to love God first. He needs to be my number one. It's a step that I can take through reading Gods word, praying and listening to His still, small voice.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
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1 comment:
hey, i know, random i would comment on your site, but i totally get what you are saying, and he is right, demons love to whisper in the ears of people and tell them lies about themselves, others, to ruin thier relationships.
Em can identify with alot of that, and i tell her the same everytime i get the chance.
also, if you feel like you need someone to just hang out with, my family is more than willing.
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