After trying to organize my thoughts and feelings with my wonderful husband who is patient and extremely knowledgeable on the car ride back to columbus...I have some things to share with you.
The last week and a half has been a real eye-opener for me on so many different levels. Most of which deal with my faith. I have once heard that "life has it's way of happening" and I could not agree more. In other words...we have our way of wanting things to happen, and it doesn't always go that same way.
So knowing that, do you feel you have something solid to hold on to during those times? I know I do, but I often chose not to. I chose to do it on my own. In the very back of my mind I know I cannot do it on my own, but I can't hear that voice because my voice is far too loud.
When I chose to follow Christ at a very young age, I was given a light in my soul. A light that never goes out no matter how hard one would try. This light seems to shine brighter or dimmer depending on the times of my life, but again...the light is always the same. Bright and radiant.
How is this possible? Well, it doesn't seem so bright when I am doing my own thing. Dragging through my days just to make it, instead of being productive in ALL of the areas of my life. Allowing my fears to keep me trapped inside all day. Pretending I have it all together when I truly do not. These are the times when I am choosing to hide the light that Christ desires to shine through me.
When is this light seen to be brightest? When I allow myself to be who God created me to be. I can't really do anything but that. I can't do "good things" or be a "good person"thinking that will MAKE the light brighter. It's already bright...I can't turn circle button on the wall and expect the light to smoothly become brighter. It's impossible. I just have to be sincere with everyone around me.
My husband told me last night that the word sincere is Latin and means "without wax". Okay? So don't be waxy. What? Yeah. That's what I said.
I soon discovered that they used to use wax on jars of clay that had cracks in them. They'd fill the cracks in with the wax and then paint over them and make them look beautiful and unharmed. Only, they were not unharmed. They had imperfections, but the wax didn't allow the cracks to show. Are you starting to understand?
Who wants to be around someone who seems perfect? Someone who always seems to have it together and is too proud to admit their need for people, fellowship, accountability. I think being around someone like that would make my faults too obvious to them and I would chose to avoid them. I may feel judged and well, not good enough.
As my husband and I talked more, God revealed that I may be that person. The one who pretends to have it all together but really, when I really think about it, I am just waxing over my many cracks. My faults, my fears, even who God made me to be...the fun, crazy girl who loves people and being around them.
Why you ask? I had to really think about it. I guess I think that having it all together would make my personality more attractive to people. That it's the right way to be if you are a leader or are a spouse of a leader in the church. But you don't have to have physical leadership in the church to feel this way. It could be that you are the only Christian in your circle of friends and you don't want them to know that being a Christian can be hard sometimes. So you become the advice giver, the one they cry to...but you never get to be the "fallen" one. The one who has needs also because...well, you are too proud to admit it.
When I allow cracks to show and take off the wax hiding my need for people, my fears, and be the woman God created me to be, only then can the light within me shine brightest. Only then am I not the one attractive, but Christ who is able to shine right on through.
A backwards way of thinking I'd say. My idea of attraction is to look like I have it all together. But we all have faults. We all have fears. But most of all, we all need Christ. He's the only one who can make those cracks "attractive". He's the only one who can heal and make them beautiful by not covering them up...but exposing them with his light. His love.
Moving to an area other than where I grew up in and had so many friends has been really tough on me. Most of my marriage has been out of state or out of town from what was always home and normal. God is good and has done great things during this time away. I have had to cling to him. I have and still am learning who I am in Christ...making my faith my own.
It's been hard though. I have found myself slowly beginning to put up a wall. To pretend I am okay and have no needs. That even though I don't have the kind of friends or fellowship that any Christian needs to survive, I am doing "just fine thank you!"
Here comes my cracks (stay with my people)...I am gonna let Christ shine through them! Hahahaha...I don't have the friends, fellowship or accountability I need in order to not just "survive" my days but excel in them. To be the best daughter in Christ, Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister and friend I can be. Some may say, well you have Christ and that's enough. Yes, he is enough...but Christ talks to me more than just through his Word (the bible). He tells us to gather together in fellowship. I desire to have friends who are willing and want to walk together with Christ. To keep each other accountable and be there to help when the other falls. Friends who are cracked jars of clay like me...or at least will admit it...cause I have them too. So, that's my new prayer!
This pretty much sums up what God has spoken to me in the last week and a half. Through a messy tragedy, I am just one person out of thousands who has had my heart tugged at through the words that have been spoken. This may seem all over the place, but to me...it's the organized notes I have and just felt I needed to share them with you.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Monday, July 21, 2008
Charlotte Nc and Sunset Beach!
What a wonderful vacation! We headed from Columbus to Charlotte NC Friday July 11th to meet up with Andy's Aunts and sister Rachel then to leave the following morning to head to our destination...Sunset beach!
We stayed at the same home as last year...very roomy, nicely decorated and well...it was very close to the beach! Last year we made lots of memories with Cyrus and "the ladies" (bebe Jean, Aunt Tina, Aunt Ann)...they fell in love with him like you would not believe...or maybe you would. He made funny faces...walked around the coffee table, making him that much closer to walking on his own.
Well, we went back but had twice the fun now that Eisley was apart of the picture! She was always smiling or screeching. Cyrus said, "no" most of the time but that's just him being a two-year-old. He absolutely loved the water...both the ocean and the pool.
It was a LOT of work taking both kids to the beach this year...twice the sand in the crevices, and twice the tears. So we only took them together twice. I took Cyrus a few more times with Rachel and Eric and another time with Ann and bebe Jean. He just wanted to walk out as far as I'd let him, then some. A few times throwing a fit and ending up in time-out.
After-beach activities always included a glass of champagne, wine or beer, yummy appetizers and the wii...oh what would have we done without it? We had home-made meals every night including one night where I made my famous "Sunny Sun Dried Tomato Chicken" dish with a yummy side salad and grilled corn on the cob (with extra butter and garlic salt)...okay, my mouth is watering.
We sat outside and rocked, talked and laughed really loud. Andy and I took Cyrus to Calabash Creamery because we promised him we would...and I wasn't about to miss that! Sooo good!
Oh and how could I forget the motor scooter that we rented for a day. I took it I think about 11 miles and then back with Andy's dad while he drove his moped (something like a motorcycle and went way faster than what I drove). The moped got up to 45 mph and I could not stop smiling while I drove it. I also could not believe that I did it...I am such a baby and worry wort but I let that all go and enjoyed it thoroughly! I took it across a huge bridge over to Ocean Isle where my family and I vacationed a few years back. Oh memories...
Saturday July 19th...eisley got her first tooth on the way home from Charlotte! Yay!
All in all it was a wonderful trip. I feel rushed because the kids are up. But I can't leave out that on Friday, we were crushed with the news that Andy's friend, Andy Widman who was a police officer was shot and killed in the line of duty in Fort Meyers Fl. My husband and him attended Toledo Christian school and were very close. They also attended the same seminary for a short time together. Just meeting him a few times and getting to know his wife a little, I can say that he was a great man, and we are extremely sad that we won't see him again this side of heaven. He knew and loved the Lord and served him while being a pastor. He leaves behind his wife and 3 young children. Please, if you pray, pray for the Widman family.
We stayed at the same home as last year...very roomy, nicely decorated and well...it was very close to the beach! Last year we made lots of memories with Cyrus and "the ladies" (bebe Jean, Aunt Tina, Aunt Ann)...they fell in love with him like you would not believe...or maybe you would. He made funny faces...walked around the coffee table, making him that much closer to walking on his own.
Well, we went back but had twice the fun now that Eisley was apart of the picture! She was always smiling or screeching. Cyrus said, "no" most of the time but that's just him being a two-year-old. He absolutely loved the water...both the ocean and the pool.
It was a LOT of work taking both kids to the beach this year...twice the sand in the crevices, and twice the tears. So we only took them together twice. I took Cyrus a few more times with Rachel and Eric and another time with Ann and bebe Jean. He just wanted to walk out as far as I'd let him, then some. A few times throwing a fit and ending up in time-out.
After-beach activities always included a glass of champagne, wine or beer, yummy appetizers and the wii...oh what would have we done without it? We had home-made meals every night including one night where I made my famous "Sunny Sun Dried Tomato Chicken" dish with a yummy side salad and grilled corn on the cob (with extra butter and garlic salt)...okay, my mouth is watering.
We sat outside and rocked, talked and laughed really loud. Andy and I took Cyrus to Calabash Creamery because we promised him we would...and I wasn't about to miss that! Sooo good!
Oh and how could I forget the motor scooter that we rented for a day. I took it I think about 11 miles and then back with Andy's dad while he drove his moped (something like a motorcycle and went way faster than what I drove). The moped got up to 45 mph and I could not stop smiling while I drove it. I also could not believe that I did it...I am such a baby and worry wort but I let that all go and enjoyed it thoroughly! I took it across a huge bridge over to Ocean Isle where my family and I vacationed a few years back. Oh memories...
Saturday July 19th...eisley got her first tooth on the way home from Charlotte! Yay!
All in all it was a wonderful trip. I feel rushed because the kids are up. But I can't leave out that on Friday, we were crushed with the news that Andy's friend, Andy Widman who was a police officer was shot and killed in the line of duty in Fort Meyers Fl. My husband and him attended Toledo Christian school and were very close. They also attended the same seminary for a short time together. Just meeting him a few times and getting to know his wife a little, I can say that he was a great man, and we are extremely sad that we won't see him again this side of heaven. He knew and loved the Lord and served him while being a pastor. He leaves behind his wife and 3 young children. Please, if you pray, pray for the Widman family.
Monday, July 7, 2008
I am probably 5 pounds lighter...no joke!
Hey all! I thought I'd blog and share about a major event in my life....my hair cut! hahaha! I have NEVER EVER cut my hair extremely short. It's pretty much been long my whole life. My mom always loved us girls to have long hair as did my dad. Now that I feel short hair is adorable...I thought what the heck?!?! Why can't I do it? It's not a sin to have short hair (I deep down thought it was for me...but knew it wasn't...I know weird) Anywho, my sister Kacie was over and I was planning on just getting a trim (to encourage growth...what I originally wanted). So we got to talking and I got butterflies thinking of doing something random, sporadic and fun! That's how I live my life...hahaha, not really but used to. So I kept going back and forth then said, "just do it!"
Well the other half of the story is that Andy did not know I was going to do it. He said, "Do whatever you want. But not short. Well...just do whatever you want." So I did "whatever I wanted" knowing that he would be shocked at the lack of length in my hair...so some may say that was bad and not being a "good wife" but I would not have done anything like this if it were permanent...it's just hair and grows back...I ALSO would not have done it if I though he was going to be as upset as he was...oooooooops!
So Kacie (my little sister who has her licence to do crazy things like cut hair) cuts it and styles it for me...I LOVE it. I go to show Andy and the look on his face was PRICELESS!!! His exact words, "you're kidding me. you're joking." Then he handed Eisley to me and walked back into the computer room...
I felt bad, but then turned my attitude to, "it's just hair...he'll get over it" So we got in a fight but it was a well needed one. It went well into the late hours of the night...by this time it was heavy discussion. We had some things to "mature" in our relationship. I won't go into detail...just because it's for us and not the world...but I am thankful for our fight.
Andy and I try to strive for a "great" marriage as opposed to a "good" one. We are not even close to perfect and fail a LOT...but one thing that has stuck with us from marriage counseling is to strive for intimacy...not peace in our relationship. That means, if you are upset about something...talk about it. Get it out in the open in the most loving way possible (again, NOT perfect in this area hehehe...) This way, we stay intimate and stay close friends instead of roommates who just happen to live together.
The peace comes so often when one of us doesn't feel "safe" bringing up a problem because they are going to get chewed out by the other...so we just deal with it for awhile and then spew it out when we become "overheated". Not good.
So God is constantly working in our marriage and I am very thankful for that. We want to be good examples to our children and try our hardest to not give them some sort of complex when the get older...hahahhaa!
***New Subject Here***
So the kids have been wonderful! Cyrus is two and learning so much every day. He likes to repeat words that Vin or Kylaa say. Cy and Kylaa were playing in the pretend house at Grammy and Poppy's and were taking my food order. I had a pretend burger, fries and a extra large chocolate shake...0 calories so that's always good! Cyrus loves music and watching people play instruments. He likes me to sing so he can drum along. Always tapping on something and yes, he has rhythm! He loves to sing, "billy jean"...the remix by David Cooke. We are always encouraging him in his singing and drumming...it's what he loves to do, so we just go with it! Cyrus loves reading books and making Grandpa Nate take him outside...pretty much every hour around the clock.
Now Eisley loooooooooves to scream when she's happy. It's loud, obnoxious and I love it! It just hurts my ears. To give you an example of what her screeching sounds like, think of pots and pans banging around when you need the one wayyyyy in the back! Yeah, but she's so happy. She could be the most tired baby in the world, but will give you a smile straight from her heart and out her gummy smile and baby blue eyes! She's not sleeping very well for us, but we are trying our best to get that figured out. She rolls over, and has been siitting up really well for quiet some time now...always needing support of course.
Together, Eisley LOVES LOVES LOVES Cyrus and as long as he's in the room, she's got a smile on her face and staring at his every move. Cyrus loves to kiss her and give her hugs. They are becoming friends and I...as the mother witnessing it...ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!
Our life is good...and very excited to go to Charlotte and then Sunset beach on Friday! whooot whooot! We are blessed!
Well the other half of the story is that Andy did not know I was going to do it. He said, "Do whatever you want. But not short. Well...just do whatever you want." So I did "whatever I wanted" knowing that he would be shocked at the lack of length in my hair...so some may say that was bad and not being a "good wife" but I would not have done anything like this if it were permanent...it's just hair and grows back...I ALSO would not have done it if I though he was going to be as upset as he was...oooooooops!
So Kacie (my little sister who has her licence to do crazy things like cut hair) cuts it and styles it for me...I LOVE it. I go to show Andy and the look on his face was PRICELESS!!! His exact words, "you're kidding me. you're joking." Then he handed Eisley to me and walked back into the computer room...
I felt bad, but then turned my attitude to, "it's just hair...he'll get over it" So we got in a fight but it was a well needed one. It went well into the late hours of the night...by this time it was heavy discussion. We had some things to "mature" in our relationship. I won't go into detail...just because it's for us and not the world...but I am thankful for our fight.
Andy and I try to strive for a "great" marriage as opposed to a "good" one. We are not even close to perfect and fail a LOT...but one thing that has stuck with us from marriage counseling is to strive for intimacy...not peace in our relationship. That means, if you are upset about something...talk about it. Get it out in the open in the most loving way possible (again, NOT perfect in this area hehehe...) This way, we stay intimate and stay close friends instead of roommates who just happen to live together.
The peace comes so often when one of us doesn't feel "safe" bringing up a problem because they are going to get chewed out by the other...so we just deal with it for awhile and then spew it out when we become "overheated". Not good.
So God is constantly working in our marriage and I am very thankful for that. We want to be good examples to our children and try our hardest to not give them some sort of complex when the get older...hahahhaa!
***New Subject Here***
So the kids have been wonderful! Cyrus is two and learning so much every day. He likes to repeat words that Vin or Kylaa say. Cy and Kylaa were playing in the pretend house at Grammy and Poppy's and were taking my food order. I had a pretend burger, fries and a extra large chocolate shake...0 calories so that's always good! Cyrus loves music and watching people play instruments. He likes me to sing so he can drum along. Always tapping on something and yes, he has rhythm! He loves to sing, "billy jean"...the remix by David Cooke. We are always encouraging him in his singing and drumming...it's what he loves to do, so we just go with it! Cyrus loves reading books and making Grandpa Nate take him outside...pretty much every hour around the clock.
Now Eisley loooooooooves to scream when she's happy. It's loud, obnoxious and I love it! It just hurts my ears. To give you an example of what her screeching sounds like, think of pots and pans banging around when you need the one wayyyyy in the back! Yeah, but she's so happy. She could be the most tired baby in the world, but will give you a smile straight from her heart and out her gummy smile and baby blue eyes! She's not sleeping very well for us, but we are trying our best to get that figured out. She rolls over, and has been siitting up really well for quiet some time now...always needing support of course.
Together, Eisley LOVES LOVES LOVES Cyrus and as long as he's in the room, she's got a smile on her face and staring at his every move. Cyrus loves to kiss her and give her hugs. They are becoming friends and I...as the mother witnessing it...ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!
Our life is good...and very excited to go to Charlotte and then Sunset beach on Friday! whooot whooot! We are blessed!
Friday, July 4, 2008
July 4th 2008
If you know me at all, you know I am obsessed with the fourth of July. Having the freedom we have is such a wonderful thing! I just love all of the red, white and blue...the cookouts, getting together with family, fireworks of course and remembering the WONDERFUL memories in Virginia Beach with my family.
As a kid, we used to go to the ocean and watch the fireworks set off of a ship. I would be wondering who I was going to marry and wished he was there with me...such a romantic holiday I think. We would always do sparklers and I would be so afraid that they would burn my hand...which they usually did. Those darn sticks are so short (that's what she said).
We would always get a fun "red, white and blue" snack that the moms made for us. My favorite was hand made Popsicles with twizzlers sticking out of them like a firework! We would always make our own "blizzards" and I always had a ton of butterfinger in mine! (not sure why I was never fat growing up...I was called the "cholesterol queen" for many years of my life) So many wonderful memories. I pray that I can have wonderful memories with my new family...Andrew, Cyrus and Eisley like I did growing up.
So lately, I have been talking with the hubs a lot about my dreams that I have ignored over the years because I didn't feel capable. I always wanted to be a wife and mom...number one dream! but i was so afraid to go for my dreams of being a fashion designer! I did not think I had it in me.
Now that I am married with two children, it's much harder to come to grips with my dream. I so badly want to pursue it. So Andy and I thought about what first step to take. I am going to start with simple designs and sew on my machine. From there, I will see if I really do love it even with all the work and maybe put my creations on "Etsy.com".
Taking this step is more of a creative outlet than just wanting to be rich and famous. I just want to know that I can do it, that I am creative and talented. That I am more than just a wife and mom (two things I love and would not trade for the world).
The struggles I have with wanting to do anything for myself, is like most moms...I feel selfish. That I am taking time away from family and allowing myself to enjoy things outside of my husband and kids. But I have to remember that God gave me these talents/gifts and wants me to use them. It's not like, "once you become a mom, it's not allowed to be about you ever". Us momma's need some time to ourselves...to recharge and maybe even have a weekly thing that gives us a creative outlet. Something that rewards us in ways that have nothing to do with being a great wife and mom...and that's okay!
As a kid, we used to go to the ocean and watch the fireworks set off of a ship. I would be wondering who I was going to marry and wished he was there with me...such a romantic holiday I think. We would always do sparklers and I would be so afraid that they would burn my hand...which they usually did. Those darn sticks are so short (that's what she said).
We would always get a fun "red, white and blue" snack that the moms made for us. My favorite was hand made Popsicles with twizzlers sticking out of them like a firework! We would always make our own "blizzards" and I always had a ton of butterfinger in mine! (not sure why I was never fat growing up...I was called the "cholesterol queen" for many years of my life) So many wonderful memories. I pray that I can have wonderful memories with my new family...Andrew, Cyrus and Eisley like I did growing up.
So lately, I have been talking with the hubs a lot about my dreams that I have ignored over the years because I didn't feel capable. I always wanted to be a wife and mom...number one dream! but i was so afraid to go for my dreams of being a fashion designer! I did not think I had it in me.
Now that I am married with two children, it's much harder to come to grips with my dream. I so badly want to pursue it. So Andy and I thought about what first step to take. I am going to start with simple designs and sew on my machine. From there, I will see if I really do love it even with all the work and maybe put my creations on "Etsy.com".
Taking this step is more of a creative outlet than just wanting to be rich and famous. I just want to know that I can do it, that I am creative and talented. That I am more than just a wife and mom (two things I love and would not trade for the world).
The struggles I have with wanting to do anything for myself, is like most moms...I feel selfish. That I am taking time away from family and allowing myself to enjoy things outside of my husband and kids. But I have to remember that God gave me these talents/gifts and wants me to use them. It's not like, "once you become a mom, it's not allowed to be about you ever". Us momma's need some time to ourselves...to recharge and maybe even have a weekly thing that gives us a creative outlet. Something that rewards us in ways that have nothing to do with being a great wife and mom...and that's okay!
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