I am a cracked jar of clay...I'm all cracked out!

After trying to organize my thoughts and feelings with my wonderful husband who is patient and extremely knowledgeable on the car ride back to columbus...I have some things to share with you.
The last week and a half has been a real eye-opener for me on so many different levels. Most of which deal with my faith. I have once heard that "life has it's way of happening" and I could not agree more. In other words...we have our way of wanting things to happen, and it doesn't always go that same way.
So knowing that, do you feel you have something solid to hold on to during those times? I know I do, but I often chose not to. I chose to do it on my own. In the very back of my mind I know I cannot do it on my own, but I can't hear that voice because my voice is far too loud.
When I chose to follow Christ at a very young age, I was given a light in my soul. A light that never goes out no matter how hard one would try. This light seems to shine brighter or dimmer depending on the times of my life, but again...the light is always the same. Bright and radiant.
How is this possible? Well, it doesn't seem so bright when I am doing my own thing. Dragging through my days just to make it, instead of being productive in ALL of the areas of my life. Allowing my fears to keep me trapped inside all day. Pretending I have it all together when I truly do not. These are the times when I am choosing to hide the light that Christ desires to shine through me.
When is this light seen to be brightest? When I allow myself to be who God created me to be. I can't really do anything but that. I can't do "good things" or be a "good person"thinking that will MAKE the light brighter. It's already bright...I can't turn circle button on the wall and expect the light to smoothly become brighter. It's impossible. I just have to be sincere with everyone around me.
My husband told me last night that the word sincere is Latin and means "without wax". Okay? So don't be waxy. What? Yeah. That's what I said.
I soon discovered that they used to use wax on jars of clay that had cracks in them. They'd fill the cracks in with the wax and then paint over them and make them look beautiful and unharmed. Only, they were not unharmed. They had imperfections, but the wax didn't allow the cracks to show. Are you starting to understand?
Who wants to be around someone who seems perfect? Someone who always seems to have it together and is too proud to admit their need for people, fellowship, accountability. I think being around someone like that would make my faults too obvious to them and I would chose to avoid them. I may feel judged and well, not good enough.
As my husband and I talked more, God revealed that I may be that person. The one who pretends to have it all together but really, when I really think about it, I am just waxing over my many cracks. My faults, my fears, even who God made me to be...the fun, crazy girl who loves people and being around them.
Why you ask? I had to really think about it. I guess I think that having it all together would make my personality more attractive to people. That it's the right way to be if you are a leader or are a spouse of a leader in the church. But you don't have to have physical leadership in the church to feel this way. It could be that you are the only Christian in your circle of friends and you don't want them to know that being a Christian can be hard sometimes. So you become the advice giver, the one they cry to...but you never get to be the "fallen" one. The one who has needs also because...well, you are too proud to admit it.
When I allow cracks to show and take off the wax hiding my need for people, my fears, and be the woman God created me to be, only then can the light within me shine brightest. Only then am I not the one attractive, but Christ who is able to shine right on through.
A backwards way of thinking I'd say. My idea of attraction is to look like I have it all together. But we all have faults. We all have fears. But most of all, we all need Christ. He's the only one who can make those cracks "attractive". He's the only one who can heal and make them beautiful by not covering them up...but exposing them with his light. His love.
Moving to an area other than where I grew up in and had so many friends has been really tough on me. Most of my marriage has been out of state or out of town from what was always home and normal. God is good and has done great things during this time away. I have had to cling to him. I have and still am learning who I am in Christ...making my faith my own.
It's been hard though. I have found myself slowly beginning to put up a wall. To pretend I am okay and have no needs. That even though I don't have the kind of friends or fellowship that any Christian needs to survive, I am doing "just fine thank you!"
Here comes my cracks (stay with my people)...I am gonna let Christ shine through them! Hahahaha...I don't have the friends, fellowship or accountability I need in order to not just "survive" my days but excel in them. To be the best daughter in Christ, Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister and friend I can be. Some may say, well you have Christ and that's enough. Yes, he is enough...but Christ talks to me more than just through his Word (the bible). He tells us to gather together in fellowship. I desire to have friends who are willing and want to walk together with Christ. To keep each other accountable and be there to help when the other falls. Friends who are cracked jars of clay like me...or at least will admit it...cause I have them too. So, that's my new prayer!
This pretty much sums up what God has spoken to me in the last week and a half. Through a messy tragedy, I am just one person out of thousands who has had my heart tugged at through the words that have been spoken. This may seem all over the place, but to me...it's the organized notes I have and just felt I needed to share them with you.