I am a child of Gods, a wife, mother, daughter, sister, friend...etc. and I want to excel in all of these areas. God is working in my life each day to allow these relationships to become more like the way they are supposed to be in His eyes and I am thankful for that. God is working in my heart to heal the brokenness, to peal away the hardness of heart and slowly turn it back into a heart of flesh. This process is difficult and it hurts but I look at who I was before the journey and compare it to who God really desires for me to be and I would not turn back for anything. I don't want to be that girl anymore. I don't want to be naive, insincere in my relationships, judgmental, lacking love for other people...the list could go on and on. So I will continue to press into God and know He will give me Grace and love me through every ounce of pain I feel.
This journey I am on had brought a few pleasant surprises to Andy. One is that I am more aware of my constant sarcasm towards him and when I am on a "sarcasm roll" (which I am really good at :sigh:) I can catch myself and say, "man! Did I really just say that? I am such a brat!" and then I start laughing at my ridiculous brattiness and how rude I must be...we now have a code word for when I am acting like that. Just in case my perfection slacks and I forget ;)
Another thing I did the other day is ask Andy how I can show him I loved him. I love him so much and I know it...but I don't always show it the way he'd like me to. He was taken back (this is something I am completely ashamed of not doing more) and didn't know how to respond. So I went ahead and did my best to show him in a way he would appreciate. I stopped allowing the kids to rule my world and tried cleaning as much as possible. It was nice to see him come home relaxed because Cy's toys weren't upstairs, and Eisley's diaper stuff and clothes were not all over. Oh man do I have to work on not letting the kids take complete control...not good for anyone!...it doesn't help that I am not the cleanest or most organized person in the world ;)
God has blessed me with Andy to a point of "Are you sure God? Cause I really don't deserve him!" I know I say this a lot when I write out my feelings but it's true. He's amazing and my very best friend. I tell him everything. He tells me his struggles and feelings. We talk about theology...which gets less heated as God continues to define true grace in my life. I love him and always will!!!!
I am so thankful to be a mom. It is so hard but so rewarding! I love to say that I have two beautiful children with Andy and I will love them for eternity. They are so special to me and I pray someday I can witness their prayer as they ask Christ into their hearts and live it out. But for now, I have to be the best parent I can be.
It's hard to love Cyrus when he's being strong-willed ALL DAY LONG!...day in, day out! It's hard to love Eisley when she wakes up 3 hours after I fall asleep for no reason. I have been reading the bible in the mornings to them during breakfast and praying for God to fill me with the Spirit so I can be loving when I so want to be mean and controlling. God has been good to me and to the kids and has shown me that He really does hear my prayers. Andy and I are desperate for help with Cyrus so we are starting to read a book called "Love and Logic". I will let you know how that goes;)
On the good said, Cyrus is very funny. The other day he had me and Andy cracking up. Andy was reading the bible (John 4) before bed and Andy read something about the "salvation of the Jews" and Cyrus says, "I want juice!" Then Andy went on about the "Living water" and he wanted water. We were cracking up. So Andy had to skip the Jew part and say "aqua" instead of water.
Cyrus plays, "Shot to the heart! and you're to blame! You give love a bad name" and sometimes, "a bad bad name" if he's singing the Blake Lewis version. Click here to see a recent video 2-year-old on the drums from Andy Holt on Vimeo.
Eisley has this contagious laugh. It's so funny and real. If I think somethings funny, I laugh as loud as my insides want to...and I think she does the same. She cracks up at Cyrus. Sometimes when we put them to bed, she picks her head up to see if she can see Cyrus and then she laughs while they play peek a boo. Eventually one of them gets sick of it and falls asleep. She gives kisses now and fists cheerios in her mouth. Just look at the little pudg, she's not starving! I can't wait to get to know her personality more as she grows!
That's it for now!
Monday, September 22, 2008
Sunday, September 7, 2008
Letting God speak to me in the 4 a.m. silence
I was up in bed and had no symptoms of falling back to sleep, so I decided to go downstairs and read the Bible. I felt like God wanted some time alone with me...and I know I need it with Him. I try to go about my day on my own terms, with my own strength and I fail too often. It's just not working out, so I pray that God is my first priority in the mornings for the sake of my family!
I read Psalm 31 and it seemed to hit home...it seemed to be my cry to God. It's pretty intense and I can't say that I am persecuted the same way that David was...but sometimes I feel that way. In my mind I make up reasons why I don't have close friends here in Columbus. I give a million reasons as to why people just don't like me. Why bother calling them anymore when I am constantly let down. I feel empty after all the efforts I give, I feel "not good enough". I can't say a whole lot of effort has been given lately because I am afraid that maybe I am just a burden. I refuse to try anymore because I am not sure I can take any more rejection.
Andy and I have an amazing relationship. I cry to him as my life gets healed and he listens and helps me through it with wisdom and prayer. Last night I broke down (yet once again) and told him basically what I said in the above paragraph about lack of friends...this has been something going on for quite some time now but Andy opened my eyes and brought some things to my attention.
Those thoughts in my head are straight from Hell. Satan is using those lies to keep me from having any relationship with others because it's keeping me from opening up. For the most part I have put up a wall without even knowing it and I think it may be giving a negative vibe which could not be more UNintentional. You may be reading this thinking, "not sure I understand where you are coming from...you seem pretty honest on here". Well I have come a long way. I need to work on it or who God has made me to be is going to shrivel up like a prune and die.
God wants me to love people. He loves them and God has called us to do the same. With the lies that I have in my head, I tend to make up my own story for people I come in contact with...mostly at church. Stories that give me the freedom to not have to waist my time with them or get to know them because, "they have already judged me and I am not willing to let THEM hurt ME!"...typing this out kinda makes me sick because it's so true.
God is working in me specifically to love people and forget about the fears that may come along with that. Fears of rejection, fears of loss, fears of being hurt. He will take care of me during those times but to reap the benefits, I have to lose the lies and forget the fears. Not prejudge people and their motives. These are things that are keeping me from one of the beautiful things God has blessed us with here on earth...friendships through fellowship.
How can I love you better? Well, I know that I need to love God first. He needs to be my number one. It's a step that I can take through reading Gods word, praying and listening to His still, small voice.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
I read Psalm 31 and it seemed to hit home...it seemed to be my cry to God. It's pretty intense and I can't say that I am persecuted the same way that David was...but sometimes I feel that way. In my mind I make up reasons why I don't have close friends here in Columbus. I give a million reasons as to why people just don't like me. Why bother calling them anymore when I am constantly let down. I feel empty after all the efforts I give, I feel "not good enough". I can't say a whole lot of effort has been given lately because I am afraid that maybe I am just a burden. I refuse to try anymore because I am not sure I can take any more rejection.
Andy and I have an amazing relationship. I cry to him as my life gets healed and he listens and helps me through it with wisdom and prayer. Last night I broke down (yet once again) and told him basically what I said in the above paragraph about lack of friends...this has been something going on for quite some time now but Andy opened my eyes and brought some things to my attention.
Those thoughts in my head are straight from Hell. Satan is using those lies to keep me from having any relationship with others because it's keeping me from opening up. For the most part I have put up a wall without even knowing it and I think it may be giving a negative vibe which could not be more UNintentional. You may be reading this thinking, "not sure I understand where you are coming from...you seem pretty honest on here". Well I have come a long way. I need to work on it or who God has made me to be is going to shrivel up like a prune and die.
God wants me to love people. He loves them and God has called us to do the same. With the lies that I have in my head, I tend to make up my own story for people I come in contact with...mostly at church. Stories that give me the freedom to not have to waist my time with them or get to know them because, "they have already judged me and I am not willing to let THEM hurt ME!"...typing this out kinda makes me sick because it's so true.
God is working in me specifically to love people and forget about the fears that may come along with that. Fears of rejection, fears of loss, fears of being hurt. He will take care of me during those times but to reap the benefits, I have to lose the lies and forget the fears. Not prejudge people and their motives. These are things that are keeping me from one of the beautiful things God has blessed us with here on earth...friendships through fellowship.
How can I love you better? Well, I know that I need to love God first. He needs to be my number one. It's a step that I can take through reading Gods word, praying and listening to His still, small voice.
Thanks for taking the time to read this.
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Friday Aug. 29th was a "no good" (okay a LITTLE good) "very bad day"...like the childrens book....
Andy and I wake up early to Cyrus and Eisley playing in their room...it was around 7:30 I believe, so not too bad. Cyrus kept his bed dry so that is always SUPER exciting and makes me feel a sense of accomplishment.
It's time to get the kids ready because I decided to check out CCAD (an Art college here in Columbus) to ask questions and see if going back to school is even something remotely possible. I really want to get a degree in fashion design. I always have but now is a time in my life that I am so ready (at least emotionally) and pray that it happens...somehow, some way. I will continue making steps to make this dream happen until God closes a door...either way, I will design clothes...I love it too much not to!
So Andy drops me off and he stays with the kids...I think he just stayed in the car with them (not sure why...but I guess they were pretty good). I go in and meet with two guys. I believe both attended there, but one of them was in training. He was the one that said he went to school while being married, had a kid and three jobs...so he encouraged me that it could happen if I really wanted it to. That was nice to hear.
We talked about making a portfolio of my best art pieces from high school, college and any others I may have done since then...Quality, not Quantity...okay, I think I got it! I am supposed to do sketches of random things...get inspiration from whatever inspires me (which happens a lot when I go to a really cool store...anthropology for example, or look at fashion magazines).
Then I thanked them for their time...got really excited and told Andy in a winy voice, "baby, I really want to go here soooooo bad!" Oh yeah, and I got a free Starbucks coffee at the school's coffee shop for the way home! AWESOMENESS!
So we get in the car and neither Andy or I had time to eat...so he suggested going to Bob Evans and I said, "in celebration of me going back to school?!?!?" hahahahha...so we went. (that's funny because we are not sure if it's going to happen). ***Side note, Andy and I are NOT supposed to be going out to eat...we prayed and have been really good about staying in to eat unless we go with friends (which rarely happens)...it was a 40 day deal...to get control of our spending and our eating habits...we have done really really well!...but have gone out maybe 4 times :(...so listen to what happens...AHHHHHHHH!
We get there and I totally forget that Cyrus already had two waffles that morning. We order our meals including his off of the children's menu. He downs his orange juice and scarfs down his pancakes along wih eggs which he loves!
I smell Eisley had pooped so I take her into the bathroom and realize she has pooped through this new outfit from my aunt for the SECOND TIME! It's a really cute onsie and a little pink polka dot skirt. The skirt was clean so I pulled the skirt over her little ta ta's and make it a VERY short dress...hehehehe...but it looked adorable (even the waitress said she looked so fashionable!...maybe it's a sign? hehehe)
All of a sudden I look over and say, "um Cyrus what's wrong?" He has a mouth full of pancakes and won't chew them...he's just staring and says,' no". I tell Andy that maybe he's trying to poop and to take him to the bathroom.
After a few minutes, Andy calls and says that Cyrus had thrown up everything and to pay the bill and get Eisley ready to go home...Thank God Cyrus didn't get it all over himself...he's too old to be in a really short...um shirt?
So I pay the bill and realize with all the craziness I forget to tip her...I felt sick to my stomach but didn't have cash on me...so I vowed to take money back to her later...that's just not right.
We get the kids packed in the car and it won't start (second time that week it does this). So people are going in and out and not looking in our direction...they had "other things to do" I guess...like go scarf down some pancakes and eggs only to unbutton their pants afterward...or just throw it all up :)...I'm not bitter, I just hope that if I see someone who needs help that I always offer it!
We get AAA to finally come after 45 minutes and he can't start the car (by jumping it). After awhile he calls the toe truck and he comes...can't start it...I take the kids out waiting for a ride and then finally he gets it to start...the battery is testing fine so we weren't sure what was up. I was about to just ball and cry because of everything going on...I just know that when my kids miss their naps too many days in a row, it becomes complete Kayos! (spelled wrong I am sure)! And I was already tired!
Then...we go on our free date that Andy surprised me with to a ballet dance show downtown and our friends Sarah and Rob showed up (the guys had been planning it for us!)...so excited that he did that and so excited to hang out with my friend! Her and I had a hard time watching the guys prance around but the girls were so lovely and very good!
Then a thunderstorm breaks out right above us...we decide to maybe wait it out and then realize we needed to go somewhere else...so we were going to meet at a coffee house. Yeah, well our "good" car was in the shop so we had Andy's Saturn which is a HUGE blessing to us, but is not very reliable...like he NEVER takes it on the express way...
So it starts pouring down rain and people are pulling over until it settles down. Lightning is all around us and then we run right into a wire that must have fallen...thank GOD is was not a live wire!
We go home and our date had ended...it sucked. But the thought was so incredible! But again, that day pretty much was crazy and no good...I guess a little good cause I went to CCAD...okay, so it's two days later and I am very thankful!
It's time to get the kids ready because I decided to check out CCAD (an Art college here in Columbus) to ask questions and see if going back to school is even something remotely possible. I really want to get a degree in fashion design. I always have but now is a time in my life that I am so ready (at least emotionally) and pray that it happens...somehow, some way. I will continue making steps to make this dream happen until God closes a door...either way, I will design clothes...I love it too much not to!
So Andy drops me off and he stays with the kids...I think he just stayed in the car with them (not sure why...but I guess they were pretty good). I go in and meet with two guys. I believe both attended there, but one of them was in training. He was the one that said he went to school while being married, had a kid and three jobs...so he encouraged me that it could happen if I really wanted it to. That was nice to hear.
We talked about making a portfolio of my best art pieces from high school, college and any others I may have done since then...Quality, not Quantity...okay, I think I got it! I am supposed to do sketches of random things...get inspiration from whatever inspires me (which happens a lot when I go to a really cool store...anthropology for example, or look at fashion magazines).
Then I thanked them for their time...got really excited and told Andy in a winy voice, "baby, I really want to go here soooooo bad!" Oh yeah, and I got a free Starbucks coffee at the school's coffee shop for the way home! AWESOMENESS!
So we get in the car and neither Andy or I had time to eat...so he suggested going to Bob Evans and I said, "in celebration of me going back to school?!?!?" hahahahha...so we went. (that's funny because we are not sure if it's going to happen). ***Side note, Andy and I are NOT supposed to be going out to eat...we prayed and have been really good about staying in to eat unless we go with friends (which rarely happens)...it was a 40 day deal...to get control of our spending and our eating habits...we have done really really well!...but have gone out maybe 4 times :(...so listen to what happens...AHHHHHHHH!
We get there and I totally forget that Cyrus already had two waffles that morning. We order our meals including his off of the children's menu. He downs his orange juice and scarfs down his pancakes along wih eggs which he loves!
I smell Eisley had pooped so I take her into the bathroom and realize she has pooped through this new outfit from my aunt for the SECOND TIME! It's a really cute onsie and a little pink polka dot skirt. The skirt was clean so I pulled the skirt over her little ta ta's and make it a VERY short dress...hehehehe...but it looked adorable (even the waitress said she looked so fashionable!...maybe it's a sign? hehehe)
All of a sudden I look over and say, "um Cyrus what's wrong?" He has a mouth full of pancakes and won't chew them...he's just staring and says,' no". I tell Andy that maybe he's trying to poop and to take him to the bathroom.
After a few minutes, Andy calls and says that Cyrus had thrown up everything and to pay the bill and get Eisley ready to go home...Thank God Cyrus didn't get it all over himself...he's too old to be in a really short...um shirt?
So I pay the bill and realize with all the craziness I forget to tip her...I felt sick to my stomach but didn't have cash on me...so I vowed to take money back to her later...that's just not right.
We get the kids packed in the car and it won't start (second time that week it does this). So people are going in and out and not looking in our direction...they had "other things to do" I guess...like go scarf down some pancakes and eggs only to unbutton their pants afterward...or just throw it all up :)...I'm not bitter, I just hope that if I see someone who needs help that I always offer it!
We get AAA to finally come after 45 minutes and he can't start the car (by jumping it). After awhile he calls the toe truck and he comes...can't start it...I take the kids out waiting for a ride and then finally he gets it to start...the battery is testing fine so we weren't sure what was up. I was about to just ball and cry because of everything going on...I just know that when my kids miss their naps too many days in a row, it becomes complete Kayos! (spelled wrong I am sure)! And I was already tired!
Then...we go on our free date that Andy surprised me with to a ballet dance show downtown and our friends Sarah and Rob showed up (the guys had been planning it for us!)...so excited that he did that and so excited to hang out with my friend! Her and I had a hard time watching the guys prance around but the girls were so lovely and very good!
Then a thunderstorm breaks out right above us...we decide to maybe wait it out and then realize we needed to go somewhere else...so we were going to meet at a coffee house. Yeah, well our "good" car was in the shop so we had Andy's Saturn which is a HUGE blessing to us, but is not very reliable...like he NEVER takes it on the express way...
So it starts pouring down rain and people are pulling over until it settles down. Lightning is all around us and then we run right into a wire that must have fallen...thank GOD is was not a live wire!
We go home and our date had ended...it sucked. But the thought was so incredible! But again, that day pretty much was crazy and no good...I guess a little good cause I went to CCAD...okay, so it's two days later and I am very thankful!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
3 year anniversary and Potty Training!
As some of you may know...Andrew and I celebrated three years of marriage August 20th 2008. It was one of two of the best anniversaries we've EVER HAD! I really don't remember much at all about last years...could not have been that good (but don' t worry, Andy agrees).
So I talked Andy into taking me to Cedar Point. He's not the biggest fan of roller coasters...not that he's afraid, he just doesn't crave them like I do. On top of that, the summer we were dating or engaged (not sure...it all happened so fast :) ) he took me to cedar point knowing how much I loved it and I blacked out in line because of the heat...so we went home after riding nothing at all!
So we tried it again and had so much fun! We felt so free without the kids (kinda feel guilty saying that) but it's because we never had that time alone the first years to get to know eachother as husband and wife...we would not have it any other way now that our amazing children our in our lives...so anywho...we felt young and in love!
I purchased a funnel cake...Andy hates that kind of food...so I ate half of it (reminding myself the whole thing could def. fit in my tummy, but didn't need to). So we rode the Millenium which made me cuss once on the way up...when I get on a roller coaster and I am up that high...I ask myself, "what the heck am I thinking?"...cause really it's so stinking high! Ya see, to me being up at the top of a roller coaster and being close to 9 months pregnant are very similar. There is only one way to get through it...down and out the birth canal! hehehehe...
So we rode that after the wicked twister and felt a huge rush of excitement...that's Andy's favorite ride. My second favorite...I love the new "mavric"....so fast!
We held hands, we flirted...kissed in line (we didn't make out or anything, but andy would have if I would have let him...hahahahha). We needed this so much and I am so glad we went! We didn't have to call people to see where there were, ask who wanted to do what next...we just took our time and enjoyed ourselves. I am so thankful for that day. I am so thankful for our lives and our marriage (most of the time :) and I am so thankful for Andrew...my groom for ever and ever! I love him so much and I am so proud of who he is...I am proud to stand next to him and will continue to the rest of our lives!
***NEW SUBJECT***May contain bowl movements and wet underwear!...I do not take responsiblity for any connections made with this new segment and the last****
So Cyrus is almost 27 months now and I just needed to start potty training him. For me it was originally planned out but then I stressed about all the planning, and the diapers were almost out and we needed to waist more money on another pack very soon...so I did the unthinkable! I started potty training Cyrus.
It has been VERY difficult. Well at first it was. I call my older sister Mandy all the time for tips and "what to dos" because my nephew Vin has been potty trained for over a month...maybe longer. That also made me want to do it...I hated knowing that she didn't have to deal with "big boy poopy diapers" and I did...hahahaha...and I hate WAISTING money on them.
I guess I can say that yesterday, he went poopy on the potty and did it without starting in some corner...he did it because I said, " okay Cyrus...you have to go poo poo. If you do, I will let you watch the drums"...that means he can watch a drum solo on UTube...he LOVES that. So I left the room and before you know it he comes out with this HUGE grin on his face and makes the noise I make when he goes pee pee on his own. He does this alot andso I feel bad, but I didn't believe him. I always try to go in there without a dissapointed look so that if he DOES go, he will love my reaction and do it again. Soooo...I saw cute little boy terds! I know gross, but I was soooooo happy! I made him go some more and then he got to watch the drums with daddy.
I jumped up and down like a mental person....literally. I just wanted him to know how happy I was (because I was) so he would do it again! I had to tell Andy to make a big deal about it like three times...I was so afraid that if we didn't freak out in excitement...then he would not go again. Ahhhh....such a relief.
He sitll makes accidents but he's come so far along in just 5ish days. If you think of me...pray for me! I have a potty trainee, a 7 month old and a little girl who is 6 months old I watch two days a week...I love being a mom and I know it takes a lot of prayer to be the mom I want and I know God wants me to be...
Until next time!
So I talked Andy into taking me to Cedar Point. He's not the biggest fan of roller coasters...not that he's afraid, he just doesn't crave them like I do. On top of that, the summer we were dating or engaged (not sure...it all happened so fast :) ) he took me to cedar point knowing how much I loved it and I blacked out in line because of the heat...so we went home after riding nothing at all!
So we tried it again and had so much fun! We felt so free without the kids (kinda feel guilty saying that) but it's because we never had that time alone the first years to get to know eachother as husband and wife...we would not have it any other way now that our amazing children our in our lives...so anywho...we felt young and in love!
I purchased a funnel cake...Andy hates that kind of food...so I ate half of it (reminding myself the whole thing could def. fit in my tummy, but didn't need to). So we rode the Millenium which made me cuss once on the way up...when I get on a roller coaster and I am up that high...I ask myself, "what the heck am I thinking?"...cause really it's so stinking high! Ya see, to me being up at the top of a roller coaster and being close to 9 months pregnant are very similar. There is only one way to get through it...down and out the birth canal! hehehehe...
So we rode that after the wicked twister and felt a huge rush of excitement...that's Andy's favorite ride. My second favorite...I love the new "mavric"....so fast!
We held hands, we flirted...kissed in line (we didn't make out or anything, but andy would have if I would have let him...hahahahha). We needed this so much and I am so glad we went! We didn't have to call people to see where there were, ask who wanted to do what next...we just took our time and enjoyed ourselves. I am so thankful for that day. I am so thankful for our lives and our marriage (most of the time :) and I am so thankful for Andrew...my groom for ever and ever! I love him so much and I am so proud of who he is...I am proud to stand next to him and will continue to the rest of our lives!
***NEW SUBJECT***May contain bowl movements and wet underwear!...I do not take responsiblity for any connections made with this new segment and the last****
So Cyrus is almost 27 months now and I just needed to start potty training him. For me it was originally planned out but then I stressed about all the planning, and the diapers were almost out and we needed to waist more money on another pack very soon...so I did the unthinkable! I started potty training Cyrus.
It has been VERY difficult. Well at first it was. I call my older sister Mandy all the time for tips and "what to dos" because my nephew Vin has been potty trained for over a month...maybe longer. That also made me want to do it...I hated knowing that she didn't have to deal with "big boy poopy diapers" and I did...hahahaha...and I hate WAISTING money on them.
I guess I can say that yesterday, he went poopy on the potty and did it without starting in some corner...he did it because I said, " okay Cyrus...you have to go poo poo. If you do, I will let you watch the drums"...that means he can watch a drum solo on UTube...he LOVES that. So I left the room and before you know it he comes out with this HUGE grin on his face and makes the noise I make when he goes pee pee on his own. He does this alot andso I feel bad, but I didn't believe him. I always try to go in there without a dissapointed look so that if he DOES go, he will love my reaction and do it again. Soooo...I saw cute little boy terds! I know gross, but I was soooooo happy! I made him go some more and then he got to watch the drums with daddy.
I jumped up and down like a mental person....literally. I just wanted him to know how happy I was (because I was) so he would do it again! I had to tell Andy to make a big deal about it like three times...I was so afraid that if we didn't freak out in excitement...then he would not go again. Ahhhh....such a relief.
He sitll makes accidents but he's come so far along in just 5ish days. If you think of me...pray for me! I have a potty trainee, a 7 month old and a little girl who is 6 months old I watch two days a week...I love being a mom and I know it takes a lot of prayer to be the mom I want and I know God wants me to be...
Until next time!
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
The kidlings
Cyrus is 2 and loves to say "no"...it's hard sometimes or most of the time because he can be such a stinker. Man this is a hard stage! He's put in time out a lot and throws lots of fits...wherever he wants to. I sometimes catch myself wanting to rush to the next year so that he listens to me better. But then I guess next year will have it's own challenges. I hear all the time, "enjoy this time because it won't last forever" So I try to hold on to that as much as possible!
Even with all the challenges and struggles, I can't stop loving this child. When he's finally asleep Andy and I can't help but talk about how cute, smart and funny he is. I love to get random hugs and kisses from him. I love to watch him laugh when he's really tired and EVERYTHING is funny. I love watching him love on Eisley. He's a silly boy with a big heart! He just wants independence and the best thing I can do is just love on him through it alll...good and the bad.
Eisley is 6 months yesterday and is all girl! She is a screamer and gets extra high when she's upset. Cyrus never did this...he was so laid back...so it's fun to compare their personalities already! Eisley loves to grab at Cy's hair when he gets close...it's so funny to see Cyrus' face. I just say, "she's getting you" so he laughs instead of letting her have it! Eisley has been sleeping 12 hours a night with 3 naps a day...well we thought it would be a good idea to put her in with Cyrus since she was doing so well. That's when Eisley's second tooth decided to give her a really hard time. For over a week she has been snotty, fussy, cranky and not getting enough sleep because of it. So it was bad timing and I am just trying to push through it because I know it will get better soon. It's not always going to be like this.
Eisley still gives the sweetest smile I've seen in a baby girl. I will again say that it makes her eyes sparkle when she smiles...it's like a real genuine smile straight from the heart! It makes me and Andy just melt when she does it! She's sitting up and has been saying "momma" for awhile now. First word thank you very much!
I am so thankful for my two children and the joy they bring in my life. I pray that someday they will say a prayer to ask Jesus into their lives and then show a life of Christ's love to share with whoever they meet.
Even with all the challenges and struggles, I can't stop loving this child. When he's finally asleep Andy and I can't help but talk about how cute, smart and funny he is. I love to get random hugs and kisses from him. I love to watch him laugh when he's really tired and EVERYTHING is funny. I love watching him love on Eisley. He's a silly boy with a big heart! He just wants independence and the best thing I can do is just love on him through it alll...good and the bad.
Eisley is 6 months yesterday and is all girl! She is a screamer and gets extra high when she's upset. Cyrus never did this...he was so laid back...so it's fun to compare their personalities already! Eisley loves to grab at Cy's hair when he gets close...it's so funny to see Cyrus' face. I just say, "she's getting you" so he laughs instead of letting her have it! Eisley has been sleeping 12 hours a night with 3 naps a day...well we thought it would be a good idea to put her in with Cyrus since she was doing so well. That's when Eisley's second tooth decided to give her a really hard time. For over a week she has been snotty, fussy, cranky and not getting enough sleep because of it. So it was bad timing and I am just trying to push through it because I know it will get better soon. It's not always going to be like this.
Eisley still gives the sweetest smile I've seen in a baby girl. I will again say that it makes her eyes sparkle when she smiles...it's like a real genuine smile straight from the heart! It makes me and Andy just melt when she does it! She's sitting up and has been saying "momma" for awhile now. First word thank you very much!
I am so thankful for my two children and the joy they bring in my life. I pray that someday they will say a prayer to ask Jesus into their lives and then show a life of Christ's love to share with whoever they meet.
Monday, July 28, 2008
I am a cracked jar of clay...I'm all cracked out!
After trying to organize my thoughts and feelings with my wonderful husband who is patient and extremely knowledgeable on the car ride back to columbus...I have some things to share with you.
The last week and a half has been a real eye-opener for me on so many different levels. Most of which deal with my faith. I have once heard that "life has it's way of happening" and I could not agree more. In other words...we have our way of wanting things to happen, and it doesn't always go that same way.
So knowing that, do you feel you have something solid to hold on to during those times? I know I do, but I often chose not to. I chose to do it on my own. In the very back of my mind I know I cannot do it on my own, but I can't hear that voice because my voice is far too loud.
When I chose to follow Christ at a very young age, I was given a light in my soul. A light that never goes out no matter how hard one would try. This light seems to shine brighter or dimmer depending on the times of my life, but again...the light is always the same. Bright and radiant.
How is this possible? Well, it doesn't seem so bright when I am doing my own thing. Dragging through my days just to make it, instead of being productive in ALL of the areas of my life. Allowing my fears to keep me trapped inside all day. Pretending I have it all together when I truly do not. These are the times when I am choosing to hide the light that Christ desires to shine through me.
When is this light seen to be brightest? When I allow myself to be who God created me to be. I can't really do anything but that. I can't do "good things" or be a "good person"thinking that will MAKE the light brighter. It's already bright...I can't turn circle button on the wall and expect the light to smoothly become brighter. It's impossible. I just have to be sincere with everyone around me.
My husband told me last night that the word sincere is Latin and means "without wax". Okay? So don't be waxy. What? Yeah. That's what I said.
I soon discovered that they used to use wax on jars of clay that had cracks in them. They'd fill the cracks in with the wax and then paint over them and make them look beautiful and unharmed. Only, they were not unharmed. They had imperfections, but the wax didn't allow the cracks to show. Are you starting to understand?
Who wants to be around someone who seems perfect? Someone who always seems to have it together and is too proud to admit their need for people, fellowship, accountability. I think being around someone like that would make my faults too obvious to them and I would chose to avoid them. I may feel judged and well, not good enough.
As my husband and I talked more, God revealed that I may be that person. The one who pretends to have it all together but really, when I really think about it, I am just waxing over my many cracks. My faults, my fears, even who God made me to be...the fun, crazy girl who loves people and being around them.
Why you ask? I had to really think about it. I guess I think that having it all together would make my personality more attractive to people. That it's the right way to be if you are a leader or are a spouse of a leader in the church. But you don't have to have physical leadership in the church to feel this way. It could be that you are the only Christian in your circle of friends and you don't want them to know that being a Christian can be hard sometimes. So you become the advice giver, the one they cry to...but you never get to be the "fallen" one. The one who has needs also because...well, you are too proud to admit it.
When I allow cracks to show and take off the wax hiding my need for people, my fears, and be the woman God created me to be, only then can the light within me shine brightest. Only then am I not the one attractive, but Christ who is able to shine right on through.
A backwards way of thinking I'd say. My idea of attraction is to look like I have it all together. But we all have faults. We all have fears. But most of all, we all need Christ. He's the only one who can make those cracks "attractive". He's the only one who can heal and make them beautiful by not covering them up...but exposing them with his light. His love.
Moving to an area other than where I grew up in and had so many friends has been really tough on me. Most of my marriage has been out of state or out of town from what was always home and normal. God is good and has done great things during this time away. I have had to cling to him. I have and still am learning who I am in Christ...making my faith my own.
It's been hard though. I have found myself slowly beginning to put up a wall. To pretend I am okay and have no needs. That even though I don't have the kind of friends or fellowship that any Christian needs to survive, I am doing "just fine thank you!"
Here comes my cracks (stay with my people)...I am gonna let Christ shine through them! Hahahaha...I don't have the friends, fellowship or accountability I need in order to not just "survive" my days but excel in them. To be the best daughter in Christ, Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister and friend I can be. Some may say, well you have Christ and that's enough. Yes, he is enough...but Christ talks to me more than just through his Word (the bible). He tells us to gather together in fellowship. I desire to have friends who are willing and want to walk together with Christ. To keep each other accountable and be there to help when the other falls. Friends who are cracked jars of clay like me...or at least will admit it...cause I have them too. So, that's my new prayer!
This pretty much sums up what God has spoken to me in the last week and a half. Through a messy tragedy, I am just one person out of thousands who has had my heart tugged at through the words that have been spoken. This may seem all over the place, but to me...it's the organized notes I have and just felt I needed to share them with you.
The last week and a half has been a real eye-opener for me on so many different levels. Most of which deal with my faith. I have once heard that "life has it's way of happening" and I could not agree more. In other words...we have our way of wanting things to happen, and it doesn't always go that same way.
So knowing that, do you feel you have something solid to hold on to during those times? I know I do, but I often chose not to. I chose to do it on my own. In the very back of my mind I know I cannot do it on my own, but I can't hear that voice because my voice is far too loud.
When I chose to follow Christ at a very young age, I was given a light in my soul. A light that never goes out no matter how hard one would try. This light seems to shine brighter or dimmer depending on the times of my life, but again...the light is always the same. Bright and radiant.
How is this possible? Well, it doesn't seem so bright when I am doing my own thing. Dragging through my days just to make it, instead of being productive in ALL of the areas of my life. Allowing my fears to keep me trapped inside all day. Pretending I have it all together when I truly do not. These are the times when I am choosing to hide the light that Christ desires to shine through me.
When is this light seen to be brightest? When I allow myself to be who God created me to be. I can't really do anything but that. I can't do "good things" or be a "good person"thinking that will MAKE the light brighter. It's already bright...I can't turn circle button on the wall and expect the light to smoothly become brighter. It's impossible. I just have to be sincere with everyone around me.
My husband told me last night that the word sincere is Latin and means "without wax". Okay? So don't be waxy. What? Yeah. That's what I said.
I soon discovered that they used to use wax on jars of clay that had cracks in them. They'd fill the cracks in with the wax and then paint over them and make them look beautiful and unharmed. Only, they were not unharmed. They had imperfections, but the wax didn't allow the cracks to show. Are you starting to understand?
Who wants to be around someone who seems perfect? Someone who always seems to have it together and is too proud to admit their need for people, fellowship, accountability. I think being around someone like that would make my faults too obvious to them and I would chose to avoid them. I may feel judged and well, not good enough.
As my husband and I talked more, God revealed that I may be that person. The one who pretends to have it all together but really, when I really think about it, I am just waxing over my many cracks. My faults, my fears, even who God made me to be...the fun, crazy girl who loves people and being around them.
Why you ask? I had to really think about it. I guess I think that having it all together would make my personality more attractive to people. That it's the right way to be if you are a leader or are a spouse of a leader in the church. But you don't have to have physical leadership in the church to feel this way. It could be that you are the only Christian in your circle of friends and you don't want them to know that being a Christian can be hard sometimes. So you become the advice giver, the one they cry to...but you never get to be the "fallen" one. The one who has needs also because...well, you are too proud to admit it.
When I allow cracks to show and take off the wax hiding my need for people, my fears, and be the woman God created me to be, only then can the light within me shine brightest. Only then am I not the one attractive, but Christ who is able to shine right on through.
A backwards way of thinking I'd say. My idea of attraction is to look like I have it all together. But we all have faults. We all have fears. But most of all, we all need Christ. He's the only one who can make those cracks "attractive". He's the only one who can heal and make them beautiful by not covering them up...but exposing them with his light. His love.
Moving to an area other than where I grew up in and had so many friends has been really tough on me. Most of my marriage has been out of state or out of town from what was always home and normal. God is good and has done great things during this time away. I have had to cling to him. I have and still am learning who I am in Christ...making my faith my own.
It's been hard though. I have found myself slowly beginning to put up a wall. To pretend I am okay and have no needs. That even though I don't have the kind of friends or fellowship that any Christian needs to survive, I am doing "just fine thank you!"
Here comes my cracks (stay with my people)...I am gonna let Christ shine through them! Hahahaha...I don't have the friends, fellowship or accountability I need in order to not just "survive" my days but excel in them. To be the best daughter in Christ, Wife, Mother, Daughter, Sister and friend I can be. Some may say, well you have Christ and that's enough. Yes, he is enough...but Christ talks to me more than just through his Word (the bible). He tells us to gather together in fellowship. I desire to have friends who are willing and want to walk together with Christ. To keep each other accountable and be there to help when the other falls. Friends who are cracked jars of clay like me...or at least will admit it...cause I have them too. So, that's my new prayer!
This pretty much sums up what God has spoken to me in the last week and a half. Through a messy tragedy, I am just one person out of thousands who has had my heart tugged at through the words that have been spoken. This may seem all over the place, but to me...it's the organized notes I have and just felt I needed to share them with you.
Monday, July 21, 2008
Charlotte Nc and Sunset Beach!
What a wonderful vacation! We headed from Columbus to Charlotte NC Friday July 11th to meet up with Andy's Aunts and sister Rachel then to leave the following morning to head to our destination...Sunset beach!
We stayed at the same home as last year...very roomy, nicely decorated and well...it was very close to the beach! Last year we made lots of memories with Cyrus and "the ladies" (bebe Jean, Aunt Tina, Aunt Ann)...they fell in love with him like you would not believe...or maybe you would. He made funny faces...walked around the coffee table, making him that much closer to walking on his own.
Well, we went back but had twice the fun now that Eisley was apart of the picture! She was always smiling or screeching. Cyrus said, "no" most of the time but that's just him being a two-year-old. He absolutely loved the water...both the ocean and the pool.
It was a LOT of work taking both kids to the beach this year...twice the sand in the crevices, and twice the tears. So we only took them together twice. I took Cyrus a few more times with Rachel and Eric and another time with Ann and bebe Jean. He just wanted to walk out as far as I'd let him, then some. A few times throwing a fit and ending up in time-out.
After-beach activities always included a glass of champagne, wine or beer, yummy appetizers and the wii...oh what would have we done without it? We had home-made meals every night including one night where I made my famous "Sunny Sun Dried Tomato Chicken" dish with a yummy side salad and grilled corn on the cob (with extra butter and garlic salt)...okay, my mouth is watering.
We sat outside and rocked, talked and laughed really loud. Andy and I took Cyrus to Calabash Creamery because we promised him we would...and I wasn't about to miss that! Sooo good!
Oh and how could I forget the motor scooter that we rented for a day. I took it I think about 11 miles and then back with Andy's dad while he drove his moped (something like a motorcycle and went way faster than what I drove). The moped got up to 45 mph and I could not stop smiling while I drove it. I also could not believe that I did it...I am such a baby and worry wort but I let that all go and enjoyed it thoroughly! I took it across a huge bridge over to Ocean Isle where my family and I vacationed a few years back. Oh memories...
Saturday July 19th...eisley got her first tooth on the way home from Charlotte! Yay!
All in all it was a wonderful trip. I feel rushed because the kids are up. But I can't leave out that on Friday, we were crushed with the news that Andy's friend, Andy Widman who was a police officer was shot and killed in the line of duty in Fort Meyers Fl. My husband and him attended Toledo Christian school and were very close. They also attended the same seminary for a short time together. Just meeting him a few times and getting to know his wife a little, I can say that he was a great man, and we are extremely sad that we won't see him again this side of heaven. He knew and loved the Lord and served him while being a pastor. He leaves behind his wife and 3 young children. Please, if you pray, pray for the Widman family.
We stayed at the same home as last year...very roomy, nicely decorated and well...it was very close to the beach! Last year we made lots of memories with Cyrus and "the ladies" (bebe Jean, Aunt Tina, Aunt Ann)...they fell in love with him like you would not believe...or maybe you would. He made funny faces...walked around the coffee table, making him that much closer to walking on his own.
Well, we went back but had twice the fun now that Eisley was apart of the picture! She was always smiling or screeching. Cyrus said, "no" most of the time but that's just him being a two-year-old. He absolutely loved the water...both the ocean and the pool.
It was a LOT of work taking both kids to the beach this year...twice the sand in the crevices, and twice the tears. So we only took them together twice. I took Cyrus a few more times with Rachel and Eric and another time with Ann and bebe Jean. He just wanted to walk out as far as I'd let him, then some. A few times throwing a fit and ending up in time-out.
After-beach activities always included a glass of champagne, wine or beer, yummy appetizers and the wii...oh what would have we done without it? We had home-made meals every night including one night where I made my famous "Sunny Sun Dried Tomato Chicken" dish with a yummy side salad and grilled corn on the cob (with extra butter and garlic salt)...okay, my mouth is watering.
We sat outside and rocked, talked and laughed really loud. Andy and I took Cyrus to Calabash Creamery because we promised him we would...and I wasn't about to miss that! Sooo good!
Oh and how could I forget the motor scooter that we rented for a day. I took it I think about 11 miles and then back with Andy's dad while he drove his moped (something like a motorcycle and went way faster than what I drove). The moped got up to 45 mph and I could not stop smiling while I drove it. I also could not believe that I did it...I am such a baby and worry wort but I let that all go and enjoyed it thoroughly! I took it across a huge bridge over to Ocean Isle where my family and I vacationed a few years back. Oh memories...
Saturday July 19th...eisley got her first tooth on the way home from Charlotte! Yay!
All in all it was a wonderful trip. I feel rushed because the kids are up. But I can't leave out that on Friday, we were crushed with the news that Andy's friend, Andy Widman who was a police officer was shot and killed in the line of duty in Fort Meyers Fl. My husband and him attended Toledo Christian school and were very close. They also attended the same seminary for a short time together. Just meeting him a few times and getting to know his wife a little, I can say that he was a great man, and we are extremely sad that we won't see him again this side of heaven. He knew and loved the Lord and served him while being a pastor. He leaves behind his wife and 3 young children. Please, if you pray, pray for the Widman family.
Monday, July 7, 2008
I am probably 5 pounds lighter...no joke!
Hey all! I thought I'd blog and share about a major event in my life....my hair cut! hahaha! I have NEVER EVER cut my hair extremely short. It's pretty much been long my whole life. My mom always loved us girls to have long hair as did my dad. Now that I feel short hair is adorable...I thought what the heck?!?! Why can't I do it? It's not a sin to have short hair (I deep down thought it was for me...but knew it wasn't...I know weird) Anywho, my sister Kacie was over and I was planning on just getting a trim (to encourage growth...what I originally wanted). So we got to talking and I got butterflies thinking of doing something random, sporadic and fun! That's how I live my life...hahaha, not really but used to. So I kept going back and forth then said, "just do it!"
Well the other half of the story is that Andy did not know I was going to do it. He said, "Do whatever you want. But not short. Well...just do whatever you want." So I did "whatever I wanted" knowing that he would be shocked at the lack of length in my hair...so some may say that was bad and not being a "good wife" but I would not have done anything like this if it were permanent...it's just hair and grows back...I ALSO would not have done it if I though he was going to be as upset as he was...oooooooops!
So Kacie (my little sister who has her licence to do crazy things like cut hair) cuts it and styles it for me...I LOVE it. I go to show Andy and the look on his face was PRICELESS!!! His exact words, "you're kidding me. you're joking." Then he handed Eisley to me and walked back into the computer room...
I felt bad, but then turned my attitude to, "it's just hair...he'll get over it" So we got in a fight but it was a well needed one. It went well into the late hours of the night...by this time it was heavy discussion. We had some things to "mature" in our relationship. I won't go into detail...just because it's for us and not the world...but I am thankful for our fight.
Andy and I try to strive for a "great" marriage as opposed to a "good" one. We are not even close to perfect and fail a LOT...but one thing that has stuck with us from marriage counseling is to strive for intimacy...not peace in our relationship. That means, if you are upset about something...talk about it. Get it out in the open in the most loving way possible (again, NOT perfect in this area hehehe...) This way, we stay intimate and stay close friends instead of roommates who just happen to live together.
The peace comes so often when one of us doesn't feel "safe" bringing up a problem because they are going to get chewed out by the other...so we just deal with it for awhile and then spew it out when we become "overheated". Not good.
So God is constantly working in our marriage and I am very thankful for that. We want to be good examples to our children and try our hardest to not give them some sort of complex when the get older...hahahhaa!
***New Subject Here***
So the kids have been wonderful! Cyrus is two and learning so much every day. He likes to repeat words that Vin or Kylaa say. Cy and Kylaa were playing in the pretend house at Grammy and Poppy's and were taking my food order. I had a pretend burger, fries and a extra large chocolate shake...0 calories so that's always good! Cyrus loves music and watching people play instruments. He likes me to sing so he can drum along. Always tapping on something and yes, he has rhythm! He loves to sing, "billy jean"...the remix by David Cooke. We are always encouraging him in his singing and drumming...it's what he loves to do, so we just go with it! Cyrus loves reading books and making Grandpa Nate take him outside...pretty much every hour around the clock.
Now Eisley loooooooooves to scream when she's happy. It's loud, obnoxious and I love it! It just hurts my ears. To give you an example of what her screeching sounds like, think of pots and pans banging around when you need the one wayyyyy in the back! Yeah, but she's so happy. She could be the most tired baby in the world, but will give you a smile straight from her heart and out her gummy smile and baby blue eyes! She's not sleeping very well for us, but we are trying our best to get that figured out. She rolls over, and has been siitting up really well for quiet some time now...always needing support of course.
Together, Eisley LOVES LOVES LOVES Cyrus and as long as he's in the room, she's got a smile on her face and staring at his every move. Cyrus loves to kiss her and give her hugs. They are becoming friends and I...as the mother witnessing it...ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!
Our life is good...and very excited to go to Charlotte and then Sunset beach on Friday! whooot whooot! We are blessed!
Well the other half of the story is that Andy did not know I was going to do it. He said, "Do whatever you want. But not short. Well...just do whatever you want." So I did "whatever I wanted" knowing that he would be shocked at the lack of length in my hair...so some may say that was bad and not being a "good wife" but I would not have done anything like this if it were permanent...it's just hair and grows back...I ALSO would not have done it if I though he was going to be as upset as he was...oooooooops!
So Kacie (my little sister who has her licence to do crazy things like cut hair) cuts it and styles it for me...I LOVE it. I go to show Andy and the look on his face was PRICELESS!!! His exact words, "you're kidding me. you're joking." Then he handed Eisley to me and walked back into the computer room...
I felt bad, but then turned my attitude to, "it's just hair...he'll get over it" So we got in a fight but it was a well needed one. It went well into the late hours of the night...by this time it was heavy discussion. We had some things to "mature" in our relationship. I won't go into detail...just because it's for us and not the world...but I am thankful for our fight.
Andy and I try to strive for a "great" marriage as opposed to a "good" one. We are not even close to perfect and fail a LOT...but one thing that has stuck with us from marriage counseling is to strive for intimacy...not peace in our relationship. That means, if you are upset about something...talk about it. Get it out in the open in the most loving way possible (again, NOT perfect in this area hehehe...) This way, we stay intimate and stay close friends instead of roommates who just happen to live together.
The peace comes so often when one of us doesn't feel "safe" bringing up a problem because they are going to get chewed out by the other...so we just deal with it for awhile and then spew it out when we become "overheated". Not good.
So God is constantly working in our marriage and I am very thankful for that. We want to be good examples to our children and try our hardest to not give them some sort of complex when the get older...hahahhaa!
***New Subject Here***
So the kids have been wonderful! Cyrus is two and learning so much every day. He likes to repeat words that Vin or Kylaa say. Cy and Kylaa were playing in the pretend house at Grammy and Poppy's and were taking my food order. I had a pretend burger, fries and a extra large chocolate shake...0 calories so that's always good! Cyrus loves music and watching people play instruments. He likes me to sing so he can drum along. Always tapping on something and yes, he has rhythm! He loves to sing, "billy jean"...the remix by David Cooke. We are always encouraging him in his singing and drumming...it's what he loves to do, so we just go with it! Cyrus loves reading books and making Grandpa Nate take him outside...pretty much every hour around the clock.
Now Eisley loooooooooves to scream when she's happy. It's loud, obnoxious and I love it! It just hurts my ears. To give you an example of what her screeching sounds like, think of pots and pans banging around when you need the one wayyyyy in the back! Yeah, but she's so happy. She could be the most tired baby in the world, but will give you a smile straight from her heart and out her gummy smile and baby blue eyes! She's not sleeping very well for us, but we are trying our best to get that figured out. She rolls over, and has been siitting up really well for quiet some time now...always needing support of course.
Together, Eisley LOVES LOVES LOVES Cyrus and as long as he's in the room, she's got a smile on her face and staring at his every move. Cyrus loves to kiss her and give her hugs. They are becoming friends and I...as the mother witnessing it...ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT!
Our life is good...and very excited to go to Charlotte and then Sunset beach on Friday! whooot whooot! We are blessed!
Friday, July 4, 2008
July 4th 2008
If you know me at all, you know I am obsessed with the fourth of July. Having the freedom we have is such a wonderful thing! I just love all of the red, white and blue...the cookouts, getting together with family, fireworks of course and remembering the WONDERFUL memories in Virginia Beach with my family.
As a kid, we used to go to the ocean and watch the fireworks set off of a ship. I would be wondering who I was going to marry and wished he was there with me...such a romantic holiday I think. We would always do sparklers and I would be so afraid that they would burn my hand...which they usually did. Those darn sticks are so short (that's what she said).
We would always get a fun "red, white and blue" snack that the moms made for us. My favorite was hand made Popsicles with twizzlers sticking out of them like a firework! We would always make our own "blizzards" and I always had a ton of butterfinger in mine! (not sure why I was never fat growing up...I was called the "cholesterol queen" for many years of my life) So many wonderful memories. I pray that I can have wonderful memories with my new family...Andrew, Cyrus and Eisley like I did growing up.
So lately, I have been talking with the hubs a lot about my dreams that I have ignored over the years because I didn't feel capable. I always wanted to be a wife and mom...number one dream! but i was so afraid to go for my dreams of being a fashion designer! I did not think I had it in me.
Now that I am married with two children, it's much harder to come to grips with my dream. I so badly want to pursue it. So Andy and I thought about what first step to take. I am going to start with simple designs and sew on my machine. From there, I will see if I really do love it even with all the work and maybe put my creations on "Etsy.com".
Taking this step is more of a creative outlet than just wanting to be rich and famous. I just want to know that I can do it, that I am creative and talented. That I am more than just a wife and mom (two things I love and would not trade for the world).
The struggles I have with wanting to do anything for myself, is like most moms...I feel selfish. That I am taking time away from family and allowing myself to enjoy things outside of my husband and kids. But I have to remember that God gave me these talents/gifts and wants me to use them. It's not like, "once you become a mom, it's not allowed to be about you ever". Us momma's need some time to ourselves...to recharge and maybe even have a weekly thing that gives us a creative outlet. Something that rewards us in ways that have nothing to do with being a great wife and mom...and that's okay!
As a kid, we used to go to the ocean and watch the fireworks set off of a ship. I would be wondering who I was going to marry and wished he was there with me...such a romantic holiday I think. We would always do sparklers and I would be so afraid that they would burn my hand...which they usually did. Those darn sticks are so short (that's what she said).
We would always get a fun "red, white and blue" snack that the moms made for us. My favorite was hand made Popsicles with twizzlers sticking out of them like a firework! We would always make our own "blizzards" and I always had a ton of butterfinger in mine! (not sure why I was never fat growing up...I was called the "cholesterol queen" for many years of my life) So many wonderful memories. I pray that I can have wonderful memories with my new family...Andrew, Cyrus and Eisley like I did growing up.
So lately, I have been talking with the hubs a lot about my dreams that I have ignored over the years because I didn't feel capable. I always wanted to be a wife and mom...number one dream! but i was so afraid to go for my dreams of being a fashion designer! I did not think I had it in me.
Now that I am married with two children, it's much harder to come to grips with my dream. I so badly want to pursue it. So Andy and I thought about what first step to take. I am going to start with simple designs and sew on my machine. From there, I will see if I really do love it even with all the work and maybe put my creations on "Etsy.com".
Taking this step is more of a creative outlet than just wanting to be rich and famous. I just want to know that I can do it, that I am creative and talented. That I am more than just a wife and mom (two things I love and would not trade for the world).
The struggles I have with wanting to do anything for myself, is like most moms...I feel selfish. That I am taking time away from family and allowing myself to enjoy things outside of my husband and kids. But I have to remember that God gave me these talents/gifts and wants me to use them. It's not like, "once you become a mom, it's not allowed to be about you ever". Us momma's need some time to ourselves...to recharge and maybe even have a weekly thing that gives us a creative outlet. Something that rewards us in ways that have nothing to do with being a great wife and mom...and that's okay!
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
I sprained my neck and then some.
Darjeeling Limited was a good flick, but made me want to take a few puffs of a cigarette. I guess you would have to see it to understand, and if you still don't understand after seeing it, then you can conclude that I am weird. I did not watch the first scene...heard it was "raunchy".
The other night (about 3 nights ago) I had an extremely sad dream. Long dream short, my family and I were in a war zone in Afghanistan. ( I had watched Iron Man two nights before with the hubs on a date...pretty good flick). So anyway, all of the adults where going to be shot but the children were not. So I remember Mandy, Kevin, and Andy in my dream. I kept trying to get a hold of my mom but I could not get through to her. I just wanted her to take care of my kids. Then I called my dad and he reassured me where I was going (that being heaven) and that I was going to meet Jesus. I actually ended up feeling a peace in the dream, but I could not bare the thought of leaving my children. My eyes are watering right now just thinking about it. I was crying to my dad and said, "Dad, just tell me Jesus is going to take care of my babies!!!!"
I was taking my time with Eisley and crying and telling her how much I loved her. Then I remember looking over at Cyrus, anticipating holding him and telling him how much I love him. I just wanted to take as much time as I could with each child. To tell them everything was going to be okay and Jesus was going to watch over them. That Jesus loved them no matter what happened or what they did in life. Their sin was not bigger than the love of Jesus.
Then I looked over at Mandy and her eyes were glossed over and she said, "they are not cognitive yet". In my dream and mind, that basically meant that our kids were too young to remember us, which of course made me THAT much more sad!!! I told my dad to tell my kids how much I loved them and to tell them how good of a mother I was to them (assuming that I am a good mother...not even close to perfect, but I sure do love my babies!)
So what did I take from this dream? That we are not promised tomorrow and that I need to be the best wife and mother I can be to my children. I need to love love love people! Especially the ones specifically put into my life.
On a much lighter note. I am wearing a neck brace from spraining my neck in the shower as I was shampooing my hair. Not sure why it happened, and it's annoying...but oh well! I have a great friend who is also my chiropractor and she's the best! I should be feeling better in no time!
Ok, I love you all...leave a comment if you have any thoughts. If not, then you probably should go to the doctor and ask them, "why don't I have thoughts?...I am living aren't I"
Breena Breens!
The other night (about 3 nights ago) I had an extremely sad dream. Long dream short, my family and I were in a war zone in Afghanistan. ( I had watched Iron Man two nights before with the hubs on a date...pretty good flick). So anyway, all of the adults where going to be shot but the children were not. So I remember Mandy, Kevin, and Andy in my dream. I kept trying to get a hold of my mom but I could not get through to her. I just wanted her to take care of my kids. Then I called my dad and he reassured me where I was going (that being heaven) and that I was going to meet Jesus. I actually ended up feeling a peace in the dream, but I could not bare the thought of leaving my children. My eyes are watering right now just thinking about it. I was crying to my dad and said, "Dad, just tell me Jesus is going to take care of my babies!!!!"
I was taking my time with Eisley and crying and telling her how much I loved her. Then I remember looking over at Cyrus, anticipating holding him and telling him how much I love him. I just wanted to take as much time as I could with each child. To tell them everything was going to be okay and Jesus was going to watch over them. That Jesus loved them no matter what happened or what they did in life. Their sin was not bigger than the love of Jesus.
Then I looked over at Mandy and her eyes were glossed over and she said, "they are not cognitive yet". In my dream and mind, that basically meant that our kids were too young to remember us, which of course made me THAT much more sad!!! I told my dad to tell my kids how much I loved them and to tell them how good of a mother I was to them (assuming that I am a good mother...not even close to perfect, but I sure do love my babies!)
So what did I take from this dream? That we are not promised tomorrow and that I need to be the best wife and mother I can be to my children. I need to love love love people! Especially the ones specifically put into my life.
On a much lighter note. I am wearing a neck brace from spraining my neck in the shower as I was shampooing my hair. Not sure why it happened, and it's annoying...but oh well! I have a great friend who is also my chiropractor and she's the best! I should be feeling better in no time!
Ok, I love you all...leave a comment if you have any thoughts. If not, then you probably should go to the doctor and ask them, "why don't I have thoughts?...I am living aren't I"
Breena Breens!
Thursday, June 5, 2008
Kitchen Aide mixer!!!
So this is my second child and I still feel like I have to ask the question..."when does the child sleep through the night?!?!" Ya know when it's 3:45 a.m. and your up with the baby and do not fall back asleep until baby number two wakes up around 7:30 that your BEING STRETCHED TOO THIN! At least I am going on a date with the hubs tonight! That'll be fun!
But...my "ice blue" kitchen aide mixer came in yesterday and I am using it to make cookies!!! I am so excited! You should have seen the dance I did for Andy and Cyrus yesterday when it came in. Let's just say it was crazy and I got dizzy...but I recieved a few laughs and "do it again!" out of it!
Our double stroller came in yesterday as well and we took it for a stroll last night. The kids seemed to like it and I had no complaints! Now I have no excuse to not walk every day...but it's gonna be in the 90's today! hahahaha...just kidding!
Eisley is four months yesterday (I can't believe it!) and Cyrus will be two on the 14th!! It's amazing to me how fast time goes by. He was just a tiny little baby, but is now talking in sentences that actually make sense. He knows his letters, numbers, colors, animals...the list goes on. I LOVE having convo's with him when only MOST Of his sentence makes sense. That's usually when he's telling me a story, or reading a book to himself.
Eisley is SUCH A HAPPY baby, but incredibly needy! Oh my word is she a girl or what?!?! She wants me to hold her as much as possible and if I put her down, she MUST have me looking at her and giving her attention. Hmmm? Wonder where she gets that from? "chuckle" She smiles straight from the heart into those baby blue eyes and makes my heart melt! I love her!
I am so thankful for our family and excited to see what God is going to do and is doing in our lives! Until next time...
But...my "ice blue" kitchen aide mixer came in yesterday and I am using it to make cookies!!! I am so excited! You should have seen the dance I did for Andy and Cyrus yesterday when it came in. Let's just say it was crazy and I got dizzy...but I recieved a few laughs and "do it again!" out of it!
Our double stroller came in yesterday as well and we took it for a stroll last night. The kids seemed to like it and I had no complaints! Now I have no excuse to not walk every day...but it's gonna be in the 90's today! hahahaha...just kidding!
Eisley is four months yesterday (I can't believe it!) and Cyrus will be two on the 14th!! It's amazing to me how fast time goes by. He was just a tiny little baby, but is now talking in sentences that actually make sense. He knows his letters, numbers, colors, animals...the list goes on. I LOVE having convo's with him when only MOST Of his sentence makes sense. That's usually when he's telling me a story, or reading a book to himself.
Eisley is SUCH A HAPPY baby, but incredibly needy! Oh my word is she a girl or what?!?! She wants me to hold her as much as possible and if I put her down, she MUST have me looking at her and giving her attention. Hmmm? Wonder where she gets that from? "chuckle" She smiles straight from the heart into those baby blue eyes and makes my heart melt! I love her!
I am so thankful for our family and excited to see what God is going to do and is doing in our lives! Until next time...
Monday, June 2, 2008
Screen Play
Sooooo...My hubs has been "working" on a screen play for I believe 4 years now and has just recently worked on it hard core (who says that?)...with the help of ME! He's so creative and artzy fartzy with it! And of course my creative flair helps too! hehehe...I never knew that I would be helping ANYONE write a screen play...and now I can say I have! It's fun!
I caught Cyrus watching one of the few cartoons I allow him to (always educational...cause I am a stickler about that) and when they said, "what does an "h" say?" He was like, "huhhh huhhh!" (that's my "h" sound typed out). I was like, "um...he did not just do that!" Then I called Andy into the room like most mothers would! Crazy kid!
My Eisley girl is full of lot's of smiles for me throughout my day, but at night is full of lot's of looong, happy noises after I feed her for the first time. Then she's so happy that she can't get herself back to sleep which means Andy and I are awake as well. Last night it happened around 3 am and then when we FINALLY (at 5 am) got her to fall asleep, Cyrus woke up. It was a complete nightmare. But Andy and I usually know we HAVE to work together or else our tired selves will end up boxing it out! hahahah! Such crabs at night!
I have nothing too interesting to talk about at this point. I should get myself to bed. "yawn".
I caught Cyrus watching one of the few cartoons I allow him to (always educational...cause I am a stickler about that) and when they said, "what does an "h" say?" He was like, "huhhh huhhh!" (that's my "h" sound typed out). I was like, "um...he did not just do that!" Then I called Andy into the room like most mothers would! Crazy kid!
My Eisley girl is full of lot's of smiles for me throughout my day, but at night is full of lot's of looong, happy noises after I feed her for the first time. Then she's so happy that she can't get herself back to sleep which means Andy and I are awake as well. Last night it happened around 3 am and then when we FINALLY (at 5 am) got her to fall asleep, Cyrus woke up. It was a complete nightmare. But Andy and I usually know we HAVE to work together or else our tired selves will end up boxing it out! hahahah! Such crabs at night!
I have nothing too interesting to talk about at this point. I should get myself to bed. "yawn".
Saturday, May 31, 2008
My first blog...oh man!
Okay. So my husband has been a "blog nerd" lately and I am kinda jealous. So I am going to probably turn into one as well.
Tonight at church I felt God really speaking to me. Maybe I could say grace was well defined. For so many years now, the definition of grace has been drilled into my little brain. But over the past few years, God has used mostly my husband to break into that. It has been redefined in a way that makes it so much more than just the group of words that make a sentence...I have had to push that aside and allow myself to actually feel it. To reveal it as a verb. Obviously the Holy Spirit has had It's part in that revelation.
It's not that grace was never there...it has been since I was pushed through the birth canal...I know. Gross. But now I am learning to pull it out of the box and allow it to take a unique shape in MY own life. For I am an individual who is "fearfully and wonderfully made" and precious in my Savior's eyes.
Anyway. One thing that really hit home tonight was how so many "christians" draw a line on who and what a "chiristian" looks like. If an individual claims to be a "christian" then they have to worship the way I do, be involved the way I am and for goodness sakes dress the way I am! But the real line. The true line. The line that matters is Christ. Who is he in my heart and in theres? Love! Love! Love!
I have for so long judged other "christians" who weren't as "spiritual" as I was (at the time I thought this way) and would say, "well they may call themselves Christians...but I am not sure if they really are". Like even typing that makes me sick!
First of all..last time I checked, I am NOT God. I can't see what the hearts motive is (even though I feel like I sooo can!) and until I get to know that person and their story, until I have loved them, I have no right making up my own story for them.
Secondly, I raised the bar so high for Christians in my life that I couldn't even stop and ask myself if I was able to reach it. And I know now...after being taken away from all I knew, all that was normal and comfortable my whole life, that I wasn't able to reach it myself.
I am still trying to apply that to my life daily. I am still trying to figure out who I am as an individual and as a woman of Christ. It's hard. I want to be accepted and liked by others, but I am so sick of trying so hard. I want to be able to relax and act like a dork. Say random things and not worry so much if I am going to offend someone...is that bad? Hahaha...I want to be aware of others but balance that out by still being Breena.
Right now I struggle with being myself. It was easy when I had my friends that I have known since kindergarden at my side at all times...they know me. I know them. They were/are my security blanket. But I am "growing up" and ya know what that means. Blankey isn't always there anymore. And now I have to learn who I am without it. And again. It's hard! But good. I think I am being set free to find out who I am in Christ. Figure out what my calling is. How God is going to use me to further His kingdom. Take time to do the things I love. Enjoy my family and the kids while they are young and I can put them in the corner when they are bad. hehehee.
Ok...I am done. Tired and I will write more another time.
Tonight at church I felt God really speaking to me. Maybe I could say grace was well defined. For so many years now, the definition of grace has been drilled into my little brain. But over the past few years, God has used mostly my husband to break into that. It has been redefined in a way that makes it so much more than just the group of words that make a sentence...I have had to push that aside and allow myself to actually feel it. To reveal it as a verb. Obviously the Holy Spirit has had It's part in that revelation.
It's not that grace was never there...it has been since I was pushed through the birth canal...I know. Gross. But now I am learning to pull it out of the box and allow it to take a unique shape in MY own life. For I am an individual who is "fearfully and wonderfully made" and precious in my Savior's eyes.
Anyway. One thing that really hit home tonight was how so many "christians" draw a line on who and what a "chiristian" looks like. If an individual claims to be a "christian" then they have to worship the way I do, be involved the way I am and for goodness sakes dress the way I am! But the real line. The true line. The line that matters is Christ. Who is he in my heart and in theres? Love! Love! Love!
I have for so long judged other "christians" who weren't as "spiritual" as I was (at the time I thought this way) and would say, "well they may call themselves Christians...but I am not sure if they really are". Like even typing that makes me sick!
First of all..last time I checked, I am NOT God. I can't see what the hearts motive is (even though I feel like I sooo can!) and until I get to know that person and their story, until I have loved them, I have no right making up my own story for them.
Secondly, I raised the bar so high for Christians in my life that I couldn't even stop and ask myself if I was able to reach it. And I know now...after being taken away from all I knew, all that was normal and comfortable my whole life, that I wasn't able to reach it myself.
I am still trying to apply that to my life daily. I am still trying to figure out who I am as an individual and as a woman of Christ. It's hard. I want to be accepted and liked by others, but I am so sick of trying so hard. I want to be able to relax and act like a dork. Say random things and not worry so much if I am going to offend someone...is that bad? Hahaha...I want to be aware of others but balance that out by still being Breena.
Right now I struggle with being myself. It was easy when I had my friends that I have known since kindergarden at my side at all times...they know me. I know them. They were/are my security blanket. But I am "growing up" and ya know what that means. Blankey isn't always there anymore. And now I have to learn who I am without it. And again. It's hard! But good. I think I am being set free to find out who I am in Christ. Figure out what my calling is. How God is going to use me to further His kingdom. Take time to do the things I love. Enjoy my family and the kids while they are young and I can put them in the corner when they are bad. hehehee.
Ok...I am done. Tired and I will write more another time.
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